Probably one of the biggest for me is that the NY State Assembly passed GENDA. The Assembly has passed this before but it failed in the State Senate, which at the time was strongly Republican. I’m hoping that the Senate does the right thing this time and passes the bill. If you are a NY State voter, I would highly recommend contacting your State senator to show your support for this bill.

There has been a push to get New Hampshire to pass an equal rights bill that would protect the entire GLBT community. Republican leaders are holding strong and refuse to pass anything. The leader of the NH Republican party has stated that equal rights for the GLBT community and allowing gay marriage is “garbage.”

This past Wednesday, the jury for the Angia Zapata trial, found the defendent guilty of murder and of a hate crime.

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The other day, Crush Girl, sent me a link, saying I would find it interesting. I did, to say the least, find it interesting.

DNA analysis from 112 male-to-female transsexual volunteers showed they were more likely to have a longer version of the androgen receptor gene.

The genetic difference may cause weaker testosterone signals, the team reported in Biological Psychiatry.

Granted, this study was geared towards MTF’s (Male to Female) but this says a lot. Trans people are treated psychologically for a mental disorder to get the hormones and surgeries we need. People look at us and think that we’re crazy or that how we feel is a sin. People struggle with understanding our situations. I don’t think that this will solve everything, not even close, but this is a huge step in our struggle.

This isn’t validation, but it’s close. It’s almost a big, giant, fuck you to everyone who ever thought who I am was simply because I’m psychotic.

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Let me make it clear that I am not ashamed of who I am. I’m very proud to be transgender. Aside from my sisters, and the relatives I have on Facebook, no one in my family knows that I’m transgender. Sure, I’ve told my parents, but their reaction was disappointing and it would have broken my heart if I were closer to them. The thing is though, while I’m not close with them, they are still my parents. On top of that, I’m not sure how the rest of my family would react. Really, I could care less if they decided not to talk to me because I’m trans; it’s their loss and I don’t want to be associated with narrow-minded people anyway.

The thought of continuing my trans video series has been on my mind lately and I almost made one last night. Why didn’t I? I don’t know. I could have just as easily recorded a video of this post instead of writing it. I suppose the thought of my family seeing me in a video, talking about trans topics, freaks me out more than them reading it; they can’t see my face as I write, or as they read, and to me, there is a difference. I guess as long as I’m hiding behind words on a screen, they can’t really know that it’s me.

Most of the mail that arrives at my house is posted to either J or Josh. It’s very rare that I receive anything with Jess on it. Mandy, who sends me stuff at least once a month, started addressing it to J once I moved back home, knowing that if my parents saw Josh, they would flip. Most of the letters I have start with “Dear Josh” or some such variation and I keep them in my room; sometimes out in plain sight, sometimes sort of hidden. I have books about trans issues stuffed in my bookshelf and strewn about on my dresser. I don’t hide them, they are books, and the thought of hiding any book makes me a bit sick. If I had a book filled with nothing but porn, I would still leave it out in plain sight. And so, it doesn’t surprise me that people would get curious about these things and feel like they just had to look at them.

I draw the line, however, when people snoop around my things and feel the need to share with everyone they can talk to. I think it would have been less unsettling had I had a drug stash and that’s what they found. But no, these were letters, books, and other things that were mine, were personal, and have the possibility to deeply damage the relationships I’ve built with my family, or at the very least, what resembles a relationship.

What disturbs me more is the fact that some people, in my own family, either do, or would, view me as a freak. Of course, my family is an excellent example of what “normal” is so they would know a freak when they saw one. What also disturbs me is that my family cares more about what other people, outside the family, would think if word were to get out that I’m trans. Wow, my parents were horrible parents because I want to have gender reassignment surgery. Maybe they tortured me as a child, deprived me of food, locked me in a closet, tied me to my bed and wouldn’t let me out. Maybe that’s why I am trans. Or maybe, and I’m going out on a limb here, I was born this way, through no fault of my own, or my parents, or anyone related to me, or anyone not related to me.

It’s hard for me to really put myself in my parents shoes though. If my child told me that they were transgender, I would support them no matter what. So when my parents reacted with “We will disown you” I was a bit shocked and confused. But I’m your child! You gave birth to me! This just happens to be who I am. But then I’m also reminded that telling your parents that the daughter they thought they had is really a son, is really confusing for them too. I can’t really imagine what they felt like, what they thought, when I told them. Maybe they were mad, but maybe they were more confused about the whole thing.

I bring this up now because I know that even though I’m sure they know that something is going on, especially since someone left all of my trans things laying out downstairs, I know that I’m going to have to tell them, again, sooner or later. In this case, it’s going to be relatively soon. I’m not sure how they will react a second time around. They’ve had five years to think about this now, if they’ve even been thinking about this at all, so that time might have made them realize certain things. Like how I’m going to do this no matter what because this is who I am. Maybe they’ll react the same way as before. I’m not sure.

Figuring out how to tell them is what really eats me up these days. I’m not sure that I’d be able to keep my cool if they were to have the same reaction as before if I told them in person. I was thinking of writing a letter, but I don’t want to bitch out on this. It’s important that they realize that this is what I want, what I need, because it’s who I am. This is not something that someone forced me into, or the internet influenced me. It’s not something that came about because I don’t attend church. This is something that I’ve known since I can remember. There is no right answer here. No matter how I tell them, I’m going to tell them. They’ll have the same reaction whether they listen to me or they read what I have to say.

I guess my only hesitation in this is that while I know I can handle not having them in my life, if it comes to that, I’m not sure I want to let them go. But I’ve known that this was something I would have to do on my own for awhile now and I’ve been preparing for it. I’m strong enough now that I can do this on my own.

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I’ve been in Cleveland since then end of May. It’s been a great few months here. I’ve been open to everyone I meet that I’m trans and make it no secret. There have only been a couple of occasions where I’ve been uncomfortable but for the most part, and I really do mean most, my experiences with telling people I’m trans have been amazing. I’ve talked about my lack of trust for other people numerous times, so I’m not going to get into that again. However, that’s slowly changing because of my interactions with people and friends.

I went out last night with Ness’ friend from work. I had met her, her boyfriend, and her friend Lisa before at a costume party where they asked me questions about being trans. Last night, we got to talking about it and I learned that because I was open about my situation, they’ve not only discussed it in depth, but they’ve also told other people about my situation. I’m really happy to hear that people are having conversations about this, even if it’s just a “How would you feel about your kid being trans?”

Everyone that I meet always asks me questions. For some reason though, they always preface their questions with something along the lines of “you don’t have to answer.” I always say that they can ask me anything because I’m very open about my life in this regard. Seriously, go ahead and ask me a question. I’ll be more than happy to answer. It doesn’t matter if it’s about sex, surgery, hormones, my parents and family, or how other people react.

The surgeries I’ll cover in my next videocast, but as for everything else, here are the questions I get asked the most.

1. What’s sex like? Well, without giving away too much information, because I’m not open about the details of my sex life, sex is great. I have it, I’m not ashamed of it or how we do it, and neither is Ness.
2. When do you plan on having the surgeries? When I can afford them. They aren’t covered by health insurance so I’ll have to fork over money of my own, or take out a loan and fork over money to the bank.
3. How does your family react? At first, they weren’t too happy. In fact, they threatened to disown me. However, my dad has told me in not-so-many words that he’s accepted it, even if he doesn’t understand or agree. I’ve told two of my three sisters, the two youngest, and both were, and continue to be, very supportive. The reason I haven’t told my other sister is because I’m not close with her, she wouldn’t care, and she’d probably make fun of me and call me a freak. No, I shit you not because that is the kind of person she is.
4. How do other people react? It depends on the person, their background, and how open-minded they are, but for the most part, everyone I’ve met have been supportive and completely cool with the whole thing. There have been a few situations, but nothing I couldn’t handle with Ness’ help. Most of my friends have been cool with it while I’ve lost some friends. Turns out, I don’t miss those friends one bit.
5. When did you know? I have memories of knowing from way back when I was 2 – 4 years old. However, I didn’t completely admit it to myself until I was 20. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I tried to make my parents happy, but that obviously didn’t work. They can take me as I am or move on.
6. How can I have kids? Well, physically, I can’t. Well, right now I could, but I don’t want kids popping out of me. That’s weird. It’s weird enough that I have all those “parts” when I don’t even want them. Basically, adoption, artificial insemination, and that sort of thing will have to do, because I can’t impregnate anyone, and I sure as hell don’t want to get pregnant. Once I can afford to, I plan on getting a hysterectomy.

There are tons more, but I’m having a brain fart at the moment and can’t think of anything else. I’ll make another post once I can gather my thoughts and put down some words.

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Show Notes

Employment Non-Discrimination Act Information

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NOTES

Definitions

• Transgender – “People who were assigned a gender, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves.” “Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the gender one was assigned at birth.” Wikipedia
• Transsexual – “Transsexual people are often people who desire to have, or have achieved, a different physical sex from their original physical sex. One typical (though oversimplified) explanation is of a “woman trapped in a man’s body” or vice versa. Many transsexual women state that they were in fact always female gender, despite physically being male; transmen feel exactly the opposite.” Wikipedia
• Genderqueer – “It suggests nonconformity or mixing of gendered stereotypes, conjoining both gender and gayness, ‘pluralistic challenges to the male/female, woman/man, gay/straight, butch/femme constructions and identities.’” Wikipedia

Graphics

The Gender Spectrum

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