Josh Anastasia

I Went On My Sisters Date

Josh — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 23:44:36 +0000

Yes, you read that correctly.

Andrea is 16 years old. She’s only been kissed on the cheek, she’s never had a boyfriend, and up till Friday, she had never been asked out on a date. My other sister, Nicole, is 13 and has had more boyfriends in the past two years than anyone I’ve ever known. Granted, she’s 13 and in middle school and their idea of “dating” is making them their number one friend on MySpace and texting constantly. Nicole did go on a date though, to the movies, without supervision.

Here’s the story of Andrea’s date and how I ended up going along with her.

Friday: Early Evening

I get out of work and hurry home. I have plans to grab a digital camera and I wanted Andrea to come with me. She has to be at a party by 7PM, I won’t get home till 6. She’s impatient as I stare that Wal Mart’s digital camera selection, frustrated at the lack of a decent selection. She begins to get bitchy with me, which isn’t at all unusual as all of my sisters have a habit of being bitchy at one point or another. Me? I’m not bitchy, I’m an asshole and it’s usually a constant thing with me, not just at certain moments. I begin to not care whether or not she made it to the party on time. I took my time. Finally, I pick one out, stand in line, pay for it, and we head out to the party.

Friday: Mid Evening

I’m talking to internet crush girl enjoying my Friday, the beginning of the weekend, a break from work, and my new digital camera. I decided to take Nicole to the grocery store with me. I needed fruit, vegetables, natural organic peanut butter, and chocolate soy milk. Just as I pull into a parking spot, Nicole shouts out “God, I wish I wasn’t so pretty!” I start laughing my ass off. That has to be one of the most conceited things I’ve ever heard in my life. “I’m serious,” she says. “I wish I wasn’t so pretty so all these boys wouldn’t like me.” Wow, I wish I had that problem, except with girls, not with boys.

Things I Buy: (Because I know you are dying to know) Bananas, organic apples, organic baby peeled carrots, Natural Organic Chunky Peanut Butter, Chocolate Soy Milk, Soy Yogurt, Toothpaste, and a birthday card for Lisa.

Nicole is talking on the phone. In the ten to fifteen minutes that we are in the grocery store, she talks to two different boys. Me? I’m texting a friend from work, telling her what Nicole is doing and saying because it is absolutely hilarious. We didn’t grab a cart, I’m carrying everything but the apples. Thank you Nicole.

Friday: Late Evening

I’m sitting on the front porch, sipping on a cold beer. Landshark Lager if you wanted to know. Andrea calls, wants to talk to my mom, I bring her the phone. I can only hear my mom’s side of the conversation. “No, you can’t. You have chores to do in the morning before you go to work. No, you can only do one, not both. No. Whatever, call your dad and see what he says.” That’s usually how it works in my family. My mom says no, the kids are spoiled so they bitch and complain, they call my dad and he says yes. That’s why they are spoiled. I ask my mom what’s up and what she was saying no to. Apparently, Andrea wanted to spend the night at a friends and also wanted to go to the movies with this guy she likes because he just asked her. Right, she can’t spend the night at a friends and go on the date.

I go back to sitting on the porch, finishing my beer. Andrea calls me. This is what was said:

Andrea: Will you go to the movies with me?

Me: What do you mean? You aren’t going with that guy?

Andrea: Dad won’t let me go out with him unless you come with me.

Me: Um no, you’re 16. You don’t need a chaperone and if you did, it’s not my job.

Andrea: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, I really want to go and it’s the only way dad will let me.

Me: Alright, fine.

I’m easy. She calls back not even two seconds later. “Please bring my American Eagle shirt so that I can change, the blue one, it’s hanging to dry in the bathroom.” Ok, because I am your slave.

I quickly pick her up because the last show starts in 25 minutes. We’re going to see The Dark Knight. Yay! We arrive, we wait in a huge ass line, we sit down. Andrea is sitting between me and her guy friend. Andrea won’t shut up. She’s nervous and when she’s nervous, she talks and says some of the dumbest things ever. I lean over to her, whisper in her ear. I tell her to shut up because she’s making a fool of herself. The movie starts, I am consumed but Maggie Gylenhal, and I don’t pay attention to Andrea.

The movie ends, we walk out, get in the car. Andrea is smiling, giggling. Did I miss something in the theater? Did he kiss her? Make out? What? They held hands the whole movie. O Rly? That’s it? Apparently so.

I walk into the house, tell my dad that I’m not going to chaperone Andrea’s dates any longer, he denies that he said I had to go, Andrea recounts the date and how they began holding hands. I just think of Maggie. Really, I don’t care about it. At least Andrea has been on a date now, even if I did have to go with her.

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Flirting: Or how I am the biggest idiot in the whole entire world.

Josh — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 17:39:28 +0000

I’m a fairly intelligent person; alright, I think I’m damn intelligent, but that’s just my ego talking here. I’ll pretend I’m modest and say that I’m fairly intelligent, leaving room for error. I understand a lot of things, things come easily to me, I read or hear something and I remember it; I read physics books for fun for crying out loud. However, there is one subject/topic that I will never, ever, understand. This being girls.

Looking at a situation from the outside, I can easily analyze it, tell what’s happening, and predict with a fair amount of certainty what the outcome will be. When I’m in the situation, I have absolutely no clue as to what is going on. Someone could be flirting with me, I would not know it. Unless they came right out and said, I am flirting with you. I think the only exception is Mandy because we’ve known each other for so long. That, and it’s blatantly obvious most times. Not that I flirt with Mandy…

I talk a lot with girls. Girls at work, girls online. Most of my friends are girls so I am no stranger to them. I just can’t for the life of me figure out when a girl is flirting with me. And if they are flirting with me, is it genuine or just part of their personality? By nature, I am a flirtatious person. Sometimes I say things that could be considered flirtatious, but mostly I’m just being nice and telling the truth. Like complimenting a girl on how beautiful they are. I tend to give a lot of compliments to girls, whether I’m interested in them or not.

How I Flirt

I wouldn’t say that I’m good at flirting. Sometimes I flirt and I don’t even realize it. Other times, I lay on the charm on purpose. A lot of times, I come across as an idiot; a socially inept idiot. I am pretty socially inept though. I’m a geek, I’m just now starting to come out of my shell. I haven’t had much experience in social situations and if I have been in social situations, more often than not, I am quiet as hell. So, it isn’t a stretch to say that I go blank when I’m around girls. Seriously, when I talk to girls, unless they are strictly friends, my brain just shuts off and something else takes over. I don’t know what else takes over, but it’s certainly not my brain in charge.

So, my brain is mush. It is useless. Thankfully, I log all of my IM conversations, so I can go back and read how much of an idiot I’ve been.

If you answer yes to any of these questions, I have probably flirted with you.

Have I listed off weird facts, tid bits, or bits of knowledge? Either this has happened randomly or it’s fit into the conversation somehow. If I’m not flirting with you, I will either say “nice” or just laugh (”haha” if we are online).
Do I compliment you excessively? Excessively, in my world, would be at least once every conversation. The only exception is Lisa. She is my BIFF (Bestest Internet Friend Forever) and we have reached the “friend zone”. I don’t think we were ever not in that zone. There are very few girls that I talk with that have reached my “friend zone” so it’s more than likely I either want to date you or get in your pants or both.
Do I sound like an idiot? This is self-explanatory. If I sound like an idiot, I am flirting.
Do I talk about making out or boobs? This might not seem like flirting to most girls, but if I happen to mention that I want to make out, I more than likely mean “I want to make out…with you.” If I happen to mention boobs, well, I don’t specifically mean your boobs, but if I’m thinking about boobs, then I am probably flirting with you…that’s just how I roll.

The Story

I think Lisa will be happy to read this, since she seems to like to talk about this topic. As she said to me last night, it’s nice to talk about my issues instead of hers. There is a story to this, and it begins now.

About a month ago, I put up an ad on craigslist looking for friends. I never mentioned that I’m awesome or that my nickname is joshawesome. So when I received a reply from a girl, whom I will call Amanda because that is her name, and she stated that she was awesome, of course I was like roflcopter and had to get to know her. Well, I did get to know her a little bit and I quickly developed an internet crush on her. In my close circle of friends, mostly Lisa, she became known as the internet crush girl.

Thinking that it wouldn’t go anywhere, I decided to tell the girl that I had an internet crush on her. Now, after this happened, I became obsessed with analyzing things that she said to try to figure out if she sort of liked me or if she thought I was the biggest geek and laughed at me. Of course, as I’ve said, I cannot read girls for the life of me, so Lisa became my interpreter. I would go to her often and be like “zomg! what does this mean????” and she would often say “It’s hard to say”. Well, thank you! Because that doesn’t help me!

I was about to give up and say screw it, who cares if she likes me back. That was, until yesterday when I was drunk and decided to text her. Drunk texting is not something I recommend doing but sometimes it works. Well, I don’t really remember how I came about asking her, but eventually I asked her if she liked me. She said she did. Now I was drunk when I had this reaction, but I probably would have had the same reaction when I was sober, but I was like “zomg! really!? because that is awesome! super awesome even!” and no I did not say that to her. But in my head, that’s what I was thinking. I tried to play it cool; I’m not really sure how that turned out…

Forward to last night when I did something that I normally don’t do…ok, haven’t ever done. Who do I turn to for advice? Lisa, of course, who I go to for all my girl-related situations. I don’t know what any of it meant, means, or what to do about it and if Lisa were around, she would know exactly what I should do. But Lisa isn’t at the moment so I’m stuck being an idiot asking Amanda if she would be brave enough to eat a bagel that I made from scratch.

It’s easy to have a crush on someone. For the most part, when I have a crush, I don’t expect things to happen. I mean, it’s a crush. It’s obvious that I like this girl and that she’s not really a crush anymore. But now this has caused me to freak out a bit. Maybe more than a bit. I broke up with the girl I was dating because I didn’t have a lot of time, I’m not emotionally ready to handle anything more than a crush, and I just really don’t want to date. But is that really it? I think I’m making up these excuses so that I won’t get close enough to anyone to get hurt, or to have to worry about someone else’s feelings in my fucked up life. I know exactly what’s holding me back and why I’m so afraid to let anyone in on this sort of emotional level.

I can have friends, close friends even, but to allow the possibility for more than friendship freaks me out. Should I be so freaked out by this stuff? No, I probably shouldn’t. I’m being selfish and stupid about it. And I’m not saying that anything will happen with Amanda, because I really don’t know if it will and I’m not expecting anything. Would I like something to happen? I don’t know, but I’m not opposed to it. But would I be able to let something happen? Part of me is saying “Josh, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!?” and the other part of me is saying “JOSH! GO FOR IT!”.

Is the fact that I’m worrying about this shit a sign? A sign that I’m doomed? I don’t know. I have a tendency to over-analyze everything. It’s not necessarily a good thing. In fact, in most cases, it’s a bad thing. I mean, shit, I just found out this girl “likes” me and I’m already worried about what could happen next. If there even is a next. I have a habit of ruining things so who really knows…

Sometimes I really do just need to shut the fuck up.

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7 Random Things Meme

Josh — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:01:58 +0000

Yay a meme..! I’ve been tagged by Arthus to do the 7 random things meme. I’m horrible at random things. This may sound kind of weird coming from me, considering most of what I say to my friends is completely random, but I can’t just come up with seven random things about me. I mean, there’s a lot of pressure there. But I’ll go ahead and give it a go.

This was actually asked by Amanda, and no, not Mandy who comments on the blog. Different Amanda.Do you prefer cats or dogs? It depends. I like to play with dogs, go for walks with them. However, sometimes having a cat is awesome. They are so chill and laid back. I just don’t like litter boxes…poop makes me have panic attacks.
I’m going to get a lot of shit for this one, but I don’t care. About a year ago, while hanging out with Ness’ brother Chris, I developed an obsession with Justin Timberlake. I shit you not my friends. Not only do I own his albums, I now also own his DVD of his concert at Madison Square Gardens. Chris and I watched it at his place, in hi-def, while “bonding”. “Bonding” was drinking and smoking…not cigarettes.
I know the dances for the following songs: “Right Stuff” by NKOTB, “Hammertime” by MC Hammer, “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice, almost any NSYNC song (thanks to high school), that stupid “Cupid Shuffle” song and that stupid “Spiderman” song by Soulja Boy.
I talk about smoking weed a lot, but in all reality I’ve smoked weed maybe six or seven times. It’s certainly under ten times in my life. I’m not opposed to smoking weed, I just don’t go out and actively try to find it.
Right at this moment, I am laying in my bed. I do not sleep in my bed because it is too uncomfortable. I sleep on the couch.
Things that I need to carry with me at all times: Five Spearmint gum, my wallet, my security badge for work, a pen, a lens cloth to clean my glasses. If I don’t have these things in my possession, I cannot function. Even when I’m not at work, I need my security badge because I am afraid I will misplace it.
Last night for dinner I had: 2 veggie dogs (yum), three potato salad (white potato, red potato, sweet potato), a salad with lots of veggies. I also had a bottle of Southern Tier Brewing Company’s IPA.

Um, so I guess it’s my turn to tag people…I’m only going to tag two people. Mandy and Lisa. Have at it.

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Guide to writing personal ads

Josh — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:56:26 +0000

Note: I originally started writing this post awhile ago, possibly a couple of years. It’s been in my drafts list for a really long time. I’ve updated the post a bit.

Note #2: I am NOT, repeat NOT, posting an online personal ad for dating. I’ve posted online ads for friends, but not dating. I do not plan on doing that.

Why I’m Writing This

Before I met Ness, but after Gaby and I broke up, I was seriously contemplating putting up an online personal ad. I half attempted such and I’m sure I have a couple of profiles around somewhere. Then I saw a note on Chawlk, at the time it was 9rules Notes, about personal ads. It was a joke, of course, and if I could find it then I am sure you would see the humor in it as well.

Lately I’ve been cruising around Craigslist, not looking for a date, but looking for friends. It’s hard for me to meet friends in a social setting (read: bar) and so I try to meet friends online first. It just makes that whole awkward first encounter that much easier.

I’ve come across a lot of horrible postings on Craigslist. I read a lot of them and think that only the most boring, conceited people post on there. I’m sure my post would be a part of that category as well. After all, I am boring and conceited so it would have to carry over into a personal ad.

I’m going to go through and tell you why you’re probably only meeting psychos on Craigslist. I’ve met a few psychos myself so I feel your pain. Out of the ten people that responded to my friend ad, only four were not psychotic, and only one ever made it past the e-mail stage.

Your Headline

Headlines are always important. Newspapers, both online and print, blogging, and personal ads. Headlines grab peoples attention and it makes them click on the link to read your ad. I see a lot of horrible headlines, mine included. I’m horrible at coming up with headlines. I’ve never been much of an advertiser/seller, and let’s face it, most people aren’t.

I just took this screenshot today. The first thing that pops out are the horribly grammatical errors. I’m not saying I have the world’s most perfect grammar, just read this post, but some of these make me cringe. “is there any good ones left” probably makes me cringe the most. First, it should, at the very least, be “are there any good ones left”. Second, what the hell are you talking about? Yes, I’m sure there are good ones left, but what exactly are you talking about? Vegetables? Apples? Potted flowers? If you’re talking about men, please just say so. Your headline should read “Are there any good men left”. Third, this is obviously a question, so use the correct punctuation.

Aside from the obvious grammatical errors, this isn’t a very good headline anyway. It says absolutely nothing about the poster. Yes, there may very well be a few good men left but why would they want to click on this headline when it says nothing about you?

The last two in this group are a bit better. At least I know what you are looking for and they also tell me a bit about you. I can read through headlines all day. It takes me two seconds to read a single headline and if it doesn’t grab my attention, I keep going.

Your ad

The headline is what grabs someone’s attention, your ad is what makes them contact you. When you are writing your ad, be specific. This is not specific:

However, this is. And if I were in NYC right now, I’d grab a beer with her.

In Conclusion

Please, for my sake, take my advice. I love meeting new people and if your ad is boring, I won’t contact you. I’m sure there are a lot of interesting, intelligent, and fun people who post ads on Craigslist. I just can’t tell because of how boring the posts are.

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HRC and ENDA

Josh — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 19:16:07 +0000

Craiglist has a great transgender forum that I ocassionally like to browse. One recent forum post mentioned that the Human Rights Campaign’s position on the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) currently doesn’t support transgender inclusion, like it did when it first pushed for ENDA to be passed. The author of the post went on to say that:

I was so incredulous at that that, while I couldn’t take it out on the happy young woman in front of me, it redoubled my feeling that any transfolks who believe that HRC is on our side is delusional. We ALL need to write to HRC and tell them what a lame philosophy that is and how much it makes us feel like second class citizens in the alt.lifestyle community.

I don’t believe that HRC’s stance on ENDA and transgender inclusion makes us second class citizens. I also don’t believe that it is “lame”. Here’s why. There is no way that ENDA would have passed with transgender inclusion. That’s not HRC’s fault. That’s the fault of the narrow-minded politicians who are responsible for passing legislation.

There are a couple of points that I want to address before moving on. First, how does this make you feel like a second class citizen? Please, explain this to me. I’m Transgender and I don’t feel like HRC is treating us like second class citizens. Is it HRC’s fault that a transgender-inclusive bill wouldn’t get passed? No. Do you really think trans-inclusive legislation would change people’s minds? It wouldn’t automagically make people more tolerant or accepting of trans people. Who creates second class citizens? The lack of legislation, your fellow citizens who are narrow-minded, or you?

Secondly, being transgender isn’t a “lifestyle”. It’s not the same as being a nudist or being a goth or being a skater. Being transgender is your life. There is a huge difference between a lifestyle, which is a choice, versus something that you really have no choice over. I am transgender. If I could choose to be something, out of everything in the whole world, do you honestly think I would choose to be trans? Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of who I am, but I could save a lot of tears and anger if I weren’t trans.

Now, why is this such a huge deal? Did you honestly expect that Congress would pass a trans-inclusive bill? Did you think that HRC would be able to force Congress into passing it? I hate to break it to you, but Congress wouldn’t have passed a trans-inclusive bill no matter how hard HRC fought. That’s just how Congress works. According to HRC in November of last year:

While HRC was disappointed that HR 3685 did not include protections for transgender Americans, it believes the successful passage of Congressman Frank’s bill is a step forward for all Americans, and that it paves the way for additional progress to outlaw workplace discrimination based on gender identity.

HRC isn’t saying that we are second class citizens, or that we are less important than other groups. They are just saying, at this point in time, our society isn’t ready for a trans-inclusive bill. I mean, you can’t expect a society or culture, who’s views of gender are completely black and white, to just accept people who dramatically change a cultural construct in a short amount of time.

HRC is looking at the bigger picture here. Which, I beg all of you to do as well. Instead of taking one giant leap forward with a trans-inclusive bill, we are taking a small step forward. Would it be nice to have a trans-inclusive bill? Yes, it would. But it’s not going to happen.

Why is a federal bill more important than state legislation? According to the same article linked to above, there are currently 39 states in which it is legal to fire someone for being trans. See if your state is one of them, and fight for that! Start more locally then work for something bigger.

Update: I just read on the HRC blog that the House Committee on Education and Labor will be holding a hearing on trans discrimination in the work place! This is excellent news as it is the first hearing, ever, to exclusively talk about transgender issues.

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My Favorite Things

Josh — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 03:16:35 +0000

Scrivs recently posted a note on a Chawlk network site, Chixe, and asked what your favorite cereal is. I’ve never been able to just come right out and say this is my favorite thing. There are so many variables involved in most things that I can’t really say, for certain, which thing is my favorite.

Take my answer for the above question:

I have a few…

- Frosted Flakes
- Wheaties
- Cracklin Oat Bran
- Cocoa Puffs

I don’t eat much cereal these days though. I did have Wheaties last week however. If I had more time to shop, I would eat nothing but cereal.

To be completely honest, I cheated on the Wheaties. I shouldn’t have eaten them. And I used chocolate soy milk instead of regular milk. Also, I haven’t eaten cereal in at least a couple of months. While I heart cereal, most of what I can buy around here is not up to my organic and nutritional standards.

Now, I listed a few different kinds of cereals. I don’t have a favorite cereal, I have a few. However, if you were to ask me “What is your favorite sugary cereal?” I would answer with Frosted Flakes. Wheaties can’t be my favorite sugary cereal because it’s not sugary. These are the sorts of variables I’m talking about.

More Examples

Favorite Band: Listed on my About page, I say that my favorite band is Guster. This is only true in certain situations. My favorite band of all time? The Beatles. I know that’s a totally generic answer, but really, they are. And when I say The Beatles, I also mean their solo projects. Other favorites would include The Ramones, The Clash, and Dave Matthews Band.

Favorite Book: This is also listed on my about page. I say that my favorite book is Catcher In The Rye, and for the most part, it is. However, I would also have to include Where The Red Fern Grows on this list, as well as any books from the Harry Potter series. My favorite non-fiction? Well, it would certainly be either one of my art books, one of my philosophy books, or one of my many physics books.

Favorite Food: Lasagna. Hands down. This is the reason that I will probably never go vegan. It’s a damn shame that cheese is my downfall because I shouldn’t eat cheese. However, I heart it. I’m Italian, it’s a rule that I have to. If you are Italian and don’t heart cheese, you are not Italian. I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you that, but it’s true. You can heart it, and not eat it, you just have to heart it. However, lasagna doesn’t go with all occasions. If I’m having a cookout, my favorite food is veggie dogs. If I’m at Taco Bell, my favorite food is a bean burrito.

Favorite Candybar: Snickers. However, I also enjoy Butterfingers. I love Snickers but sometimes I would rather have a Butterfinger. I don’t eat candy now though, so really this is an irrelevant category.

Favorite TV Show: Listed on my about page, you’ll see I list a few tv shows as my favorite. I forgot to add Scrubs to that list…Anyway. My favorite tv show of all time? Friends or The Golden Girls. Yes, you read that correctly, I said The Golden Girls. I am not joking. Other favorite tv shows include My So Called Life, Battlestar Gallactica, Firefly, and Mythbusters.

Favorite Color: Blue. If you take a look at my wardrobe, you will see that I mostly wear blue. However, I don’t like blue as a room color, unless it’s an accent wall. I don’t usually like blue cars.

Favorite Sports Team: The Yankees. I stand by them even when they suck. I breathe for the Yankees. However, if we’re talking football, my favorite team is the Cleveland Browns. Yes, I know. Basketball? The L.A. Clippers. Long ago, before they were the Clippers, they were a Buffalo franchise. Soccer? Manchester. I think the MLS is a joke and don’t watch it.

Favorite Video Game: Depends on which system we’re talking about here. Original Nintendo? Super Mario Brothers or Contra. Sega Genesis? Mortal Combat or Sonic. PS1? Any of the Final Fantasies. PS2? Any Madden or GTA. Gamecube/Wii? Mario Party. Xbox 360? Halo.

I could go on forever but I won’t. It would turn into the longest blog post ever written. My point is that I can have a lot of favorites in the same category. If you want just one answer, be more specific in the question, otherwise you’re going to get a long list from me.

So, please, tell me what your favorite things are.

P.S. I also heart long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners with a good red wine, and cuddling in front of fire places while eating s’mores.

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How Mixtapes have saved my life and other randomness

Josh — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:19:24 +0000

I recently started a new job, last Thursday to be precise. I really love my job and the people that I work with. It’s very laid-back and the people there are easy to get along with. It’s great because I work with so many people that I get to cover all my conversational topics; computers, politics, education, 80’s music and pop culture, and going green. The only thing that I hate about the job is the commute.

From Monday to Friday, I drive about two hours, round trip, each day. I’m no stranger to driving long distances, however, this is the most boring commute ever. I drive straight through the boonies. There are about ten houses along the whole stretch of road, some horses, some cows, lots of curves and hills, and about two gas stations. The one perk about driving this way is the scenery, which is completely beautiful. However, I can’t spend too long staring at all of nature’s beauty while I’m driving. It’s not very safe.

The drive to work isn’t bad. I wake up around 6am, sometimes earlier, make my lunch, shower, grab a cup of coffee (black), a peice of fruit, and I’m usually out the door by twenty to seven. I feel refreshed and energized, helped by the coffee of course, and I don’t feel tired at all. On the way home however, I feel tired as hell.

Lately, it’s been very hot and humid, and that just makes me want to sleep even more. On the drive home, I turn my radio all the way up and sing along to it.

Today I was driving home, stopped for gas, and headed off into the wonderful world of nothing. As usual, I had a mixtape in. This time it was Mandy’s May mixtape, although I put in Lisa’s mixtape when I got into New York. I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone drive, when I got really into the mixtape and started singing (I’m not very good) and dancing (I’m not good at that either). If it hadn’t been for that, I would have crashed after falling asleep at the wheel.

Starting a new job has made me realize how much of a bum I am. My whole wardrobe is completely shorts and t-shirts. I have some striped polos, which I’m obsessed with, and I have one pair of jeans that I can wear to work and only one pair of khakis. Needless to say, I’ve had to start planning for buying a new wardrobe. In my effort to go green, which I’ll write more about soon, I’ve been doing a lot of research about buying organic and environmentally friendly clothes. Granted, I won’t be able to buy all of my clothes like this right now, but eventually, I hope that I’ll be able to have a completely green wardrobe. So far, I’m in love with this shirt.

Since I drive so much now, my eco footprint has risen tremendously. Before you start assuming that I’m one of those crazy, green people, think again. I’m not. I just happen to care about what I do, what I buy, what I eat, and how it impacts what’s around me. I’m trying to live a healthier life, not because it’s so much good for the environment, but because it’s good for me.

My garden this year is going to be completely organic, including a compost pile which will fertilize the entire garden. Whatever is left, I can sell. I’m no longer eating red meat, pork, or chicken. I sometimes eat turkey and I often eat fish. I make sure that the meat I use is either organic, is locally raised, and generally healthy. Granted, with the fish, I can’t worry too much about it being locally raised unless I want to eat nothing but trout, but at least it’s organic so I’m not putting a bunch of god knows what into my body.

I’ve stopped buying bottled water and I drink tap water. Granted, it’s filtered, because our tap water is the most disgusting water I’ve ever tasted. I don’t use paper towels or plates, but my family does. I’m trying to change that though.

I walk when I can. Or I ride my bike. I’ve been doing a lot of both lately, which not only saves my gas for driving to work, but I’ve been losing weight like crazy, in a healthy way unlike a couple of months ago where I lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy way. In total, I’ve lost about 40-50 pounds since I’ve moved back to New York, but I’ve gained a lot of muscle.

I’ve never felt better and a huge part of me thinks it is the food I’m eating. I don’t eat like crap anymore, and what I do eat, I make sure it’s free of pesticides and chemicals. It’s not just the food however. I’ve been using a lot of products that are organic, like this Herban Cowboy Dusk deodorant.

Enough of the product placements though. Ok, one last plug, but it’s not so much a product as it is great music. Check out Coldplay’s new album, Vida la Vida.

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I’m Moving Out

Josh — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 18:58:29 +0000

Well, hopefully, but it’s looking pretty good right now. As of a few days ago, I’m looking to move out of my parents house and getting an apartment. Not by myself, I’m moving in with my friend, Ricardo. He’s returning to Olean to finish up school and asked me if I wanted to get a place together. To be honest, I was thinking about moving out and getting a place myself, but I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve decided that it would be in my best interest to move in with someone. And who better than my crazy Mexican friend Ricardo?

To be completely honest, Ricardo and I haven’t seen each other in a few years. Between him moving away to Rochester and me moving to San Diego and then Cleveland, we haven’t had time to get together. In fact, we haven’t really even talked that much lately. But for the longest time, in high school and directly after, he was one of my best friends. We’ve both been through some rough times and we’ve both stood by each other. When I told him that I was trans, he was completely cool with that.

It’s been really weird being back home, being called “Jess”, trying to not be myself. I didn’t really think that I was that different, the differences between Jess and Josh, but the longer I stay here, the more I realize that I’m living my life as two different people. To some extent, I’ve been doing that for the past five years; I’ve had to be Jess with my family and Josh everywhere else.

I can’t really explain the differences between who I’m pretending to be and who I really am. I don’t really think about acting differently, it’s almost an automatic thing now. When I’m playing the part of Jess I’m shy, reserved, quiet. These are things that really are part of who I am, however, I’m more of these things while being Jess then when I’m myself. It’s not easy to explain, you’d have to see it before you could really understand what I mean. I feel like I’m being suffocated, slowly being choked, and I can feel Josh slowly slipping away. I’m worried that I’ll reach a point where I will lose him completely.

Of course, I don’t always feel that way. Not anymore. Mandy and Lisa keep me sane, for the most part. The girl I’m dating does her part too. I don’t want to go into specifics about our relationship, not yet anyway. It’s still too early to say whether we really have a shot at something, so for now, all you’re going to get is that I’m dating her. But she calls me Josh. She introduces me to her friends as Josh. And it feels so good to hear that again.

Moving out is going to allow me to be more of myself, instead of mostly living as someone else, I’m going to be mostly living as me. I can’t tell you how excited I am for that.

I’ve realized that everytime I’ve not lived at home, it was because I was moving for someone else. This is going to be the first time that I’m moving out for myself. It’s exciting to be able to think clearly about what I’m going to do, instead of having emotions and feelings cloud up my judgement. I’ve been stuck in a pattern for the past few years. I meet someone, I rush into things, and the next thing I know I’m stuck in a situation that doesn’t make any sense and in an unhealthy relationship that’s doomed. This time around I’m taking things slow. I’ve been dating this girl about a month and I haven’t moved in with her. That’s progress.

Moving out has me excited but I’m starting to become excited about all the things that I’ll get to do now that I’ll have a place away from my parents. It’s kind of weird, but I’m excited about picking out my own bedroom furniture, picking out bookcases, picking out a new bed. I’m super excited about picking out a bed since the one I’m currently sleeping on is like sleeping on a gigantic rock with sharp edges and bumps. I’d rather sleep on cement. Most nights, I fall asleep on the couch because sleeping on this bed gives me nightmares.

The biggest thing I’m excited about has to be building up my DVD collection. For the longest time, I’ve been afraid of buying a bunch of DVD’s because in the event of moving out, I don’t have enough space to cart a huge DVD collection around. I think I own about ten DVD’s at the moment and only two are really worth anything to me: Fight Club and Monthy Python’s Holy Grail. My Amazon Wishlist is quickly being filled with DVD’s that I want to buy eventually. I’m going to build the ultimate DVD collection. Other people will be jealous and envious and wish they had it.

Speaking of movies, I’m going to leave you with the trailer for Choke, the upcoming movie based on a book written by Chuck Palahniuk. I’m excited about this as well, but for different reasons.

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May ‘08 Mixtape

Josh — Thu, 29 May 2008 21:32:12 +0000

This month’s mixtape came about without a theme. This one was a lot harder to put together than April’s. Lisa suggested that we do a theme for May, which was all set to be “Shake Up, The Break Up”, however, it didn’t seem right to do that once I started dating again. Also, who really wants to hear depressing songs? The weather is changing, it’s time to start listening to music that’s a bit happier, or upbeat, or at least disguised as an upbeat song.

Some of these songs would fit that, however, I wanted to keep some of these songs on here because I love them. I was going to put another Rilo Kiley track on here, but between myself and Mandy, we’ve pretty much covered them.

So without further ado, here is May’s mixtape.

The Tracklist

Centennial - Tokyo Police Club
I’m Not Sorry - The Pigeon Detectives
Broken Arm - Winterpills
Knots - Pete and The Pirates
Lolita - Throw Me The Statue
Just Impolite - Plushgun
Two Steps Twice - Foals
Paper Float - Cassettes Won’t Listen
Summer’s Gone - Aberfeldy
Let’s See It - We Are Scientists
1234 - Feist
Headshock - Tapes ‘N Tapes
Close To Me - The Get Up Kids
Sad Eyes - Josh Rouse
Cherry Tulips - Headlights
Bang Bang, You’re Dead - Dirty Pretty Things
Walking - The Dodos
Someone, Somewhere - Jason Reeves
Skinny Love - Bon Iver
Heavy Metal Drummer - Wilco
Uh Oh - Taken By Cars

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This Is Not A Test, Or Is It

Josh — Sat, 24 May 2008 21:29:31 +0000

“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.” - Alan Watts

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in life: what do I want to do; what kind of person do I want to be. That sort of thing. It’s really not as interesting as it sounds, I promise you this. I feel like a kid again, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, and I feel as if I have the world at my finger tips but I can’t for the life of me come up with anything.

When I was younger, I wasn’t afraid of anything. I would catch spiders and study every inch of them before dramatically setting them free in a ceremony where I was their hero. I nursed birds back from the dead when they fell out of trees or had broken wings. I would climb as high as I could on any tree in sight, looking out across my neighborhood as its ruler; the god that ruled all living beings.

Growing older and cynical had never entered my mind; becoming afraid of the things that I loved was completely unimagineable. The wold began to scare me. Something in me has changed as of late. I’m forced to look at the world, and the people in it, much differently; with the same respect and awe that my younger self possessed.

One of my favorite things to do, always has been, is to watch the History Channel; I’ve always been fascinated with history. I’ve also been watching the Indiana Jones movies on television in preparation of seeing the new one. I keep being reminded of my passion for history and of how I used to want to be Indiana Jones. I wanted to go off on super awesome adventures to discover things like The Ark of the Covenant or The Holy Grail.

As a kid, my best friend, Brian, and I would grab our fedora’s and our jump ropes and pretend we were Indiana Jones. Yes, we really had fedoras and as far as we were concerned, our jump ropes made excellent bullwhips. We’d spend all day rescuing beautiful women that had been captured by Nazis while beating them to the treasure. At first, we strictly adhered to the movies, but we could only re-enact those so many times before we became bored, so we began to create new adventures. We once went to Egypt, crawled through tombs and through cramped tunnels and passageways inside pyramids to uncover the lost sarcophagus of Cleopatra. By the way, in our minds you really could have two Indiana Jones; neither one of us wanted to not be Indiana, so we had to both be him.

Years later, the longing for such adventures is back. So I’m thinking, should I actually do that and be an archaeologist? I’m inevitably forced to realize that I probably wouldn’t make a great Indiana Jones, but I’d at least like to try. There’s a part of me that wants to be adventurous and daring, however, there’s the bigger part of me that wants to be safe and do something sensible. Jumping out of airplanes, traipsing through jungles with malaria carrying bugs, and crossing broken, rotted, and flimsy bridges is very exciting, but not exactly my kind of adventure. I prefer to read and watch, not actually do.

However, the more confident I become in my mountain biking and hiking excursions, I’m beginning to realize that a little excitement and adventure isn’t as bad, or as scary, as I thought. In fact, it might be what I need.

The nagging question in the back of my mind is will adventure make me feel more alive? Will I feel more fulfilled? The truth is that I have absolutely no idea. But I look at the life I have and know that I’m not happy with it. I look at the life I could have if I stay on this track and know that I won’t be happy. Eventually, I’m sure I’ll want to settle down and have that ideal life with 2.5 kids and a house with a picket fence. However, I don’t want that now. Which seems odd considering that the girl I’m dating is about to pop out a kid. But for now, that’s not the life I want.

I was reading through my feed reader when I came across a post by Tom, who has a wonderful site and is from my neck of the woods. He posted a link to a short flash cartoon, based on a recording by Alan Watts, titled Music & Life. I’ve always been the kind of person who just goes with the flow. I don’t think things through often, if at all. I plan, I make lists, but that’s only because I have OCD and I need to stay organized. Other than that, I rush into things, I forget about the consequences, and, for the most part, I really don’t give a shit about much.

Back to the flash cartoon. I’ve been told, and I’m still being told, that I need to do exactly what Alan Watts is talking about in the beginning. I need to get a job, work hard, and in the end it’ll pay off. But will it? I’m not the kind of person that can do that, at least not right now. I don’t feel like settling down. I feel like running, doing things I wouldn’t normally do, and just generally being crazy. I’m starting to let go of the plans for my life, and the lists. I’m slowly changing.

I’m dating again and I’m really enjoying getting to know her. Slowly. I’m not rushing into things, I’m not jumping into a relationship with her, I’m slowly going with the flow to see where it takes us. I’m discovering that I don’t have to plan out my life, that I don’t need someone else to define me, and it’s not so much what I do but how I do it that counts.

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