I’ve been legally female since 2002, although the definition of what makes someone “legally” male or female is part of what makes this issue so unwieldy. How do we define legal gender? By chromosomes? By genitalia? By spirit? By whether one asks directions when lost?

We accept as a basic truth the idea that everyone has the right to marry somebody. Just as fundamental is the belief that no couple should be divorced against their will.

For our part, Deirdre and I remain legally married, even though we’re both legally female. If we had divorced last month, before Governor Baldacci’s signature, I would have been allowed on the following day to marry a man only. There are states, however, that do not recognize sex changes. If I were to attempt to remarry in Ohio, for instance, I would be allowed to wed a woman only.

Gender involves a lot of gray area.

Source: Is My marriage Gay? – Op-Ed NYTimes.com

A great op-ed that was in the NYTimes a few weeks ago.

Gender, which is not to be confused with sex, is something that people will always try to define. Gender, however, is always a revolving spectrum that blurs any, and every, line that society can come up with.

Gender is a social construct; meaning that society creates stereotypes in order to classify people into categories. Our society recognizes two genders, male and female. Gender roles are pointless as even non-transgender people push the limits of stereotypes.

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Probably one of the biggest for me is that the NY State Assembly passed GENDA. The Assembly has passed this before but it failed in the State Senate, which at the time was strongly Republican. I’m hoping that the Senate does the right thing this time and passes the bill. If you are a NY State voter, I would highly recommend contacting your State senator to show your support for this bill.

There has been a push to get New Hampshire to pass an equal rights bill that would protect the entire GLBT community. Republican leaders are holding strong and refuse to pass anything. The leader of the NH Republican party has stated that equal rights for the GLBT community and allowing gay marriage is “garbage.”

This past Wednesday, the jury for the Angia Zapata trial, found the defendent guilty of murder and of a hate crime.

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The other day, Crush Girl, sent me a link, saying I would find it interesting. I did, to say the least, find it interesting.

DNA analysis from 112 male-to-female transsexual volunteers showed they were more likely to have a longer version of the androgen receptor gene.

The genetic difference may cause weaker testosterone signals, the team reported in Biological Psychiatry.

Granted, this study was geared towards MTF’s (Male to Female) but this says a lot. Trans people are treated psychologically for a mental disorder to get the hormones and surgeries we need. People look at us and think that we’re crazy or that how we feel is a sin. People struggle with understanding our situations. I don’t think that this will solve everything, not even close, but this is a huge step in our struggle.

This isn’t validation, but it’s close. It’s almost a big, giant, fuck you to everyone who ever thought who I am was simply because I’m psychotic.

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Let me make it clear that I am not ashamed of who I am. I’m very proud to be transgender. Aside from my sisters, and the relatives I have on Facebook, no one in my family knows that I’m transgender. Sure, I’ve told my parents, but their reaction was disappointing and it would have broken my heart if I were closer to them. The thing is though, while I’m not close with them, they are still my parents. On top of that, I’m not sure how the rest of my family would react. Really, I could care less if they decided not to talk to me because I’m trans; it’s their loss and I don’t want to be associated with narrow-minded people anyway.

The thought of continuing my trans video series has been on my mind lately and I almost made one last night. Why didn’t I? I don’t know. I could have just as easily recorded a video of this post instead of writing it. I suppose the thought of my family seeing me in a video, talking about trans topics, freaks me out more than them reading it; they can’t see my face as I write, or as they read, and to me, there is a difference. I guess as long as I’m hiding behind words on a screen, they can’t really know that it’s me.

Most of the mail that arrives at my house is posted to either J or Josh. It’s very rare that I receive anything with Jess on it. Mandy, who sends me stuff at least once a month, started addressing it to J once I moved back home, knowing that if my parents saw Josh, they would flip. Most of the letters I have start with “Dear Josh” or some such variation and I keep them in my room; sometimes out in plain sight, sometimes sort of hidden. I have books about trans issues stuffed in my bookshelf and strewn about on my dresser. I don’t hide them, they are books, and the thought of hiding any book makes me a bit sick. If I had a book filled with nothing but porn, I would still leave it out in plain sight. And so, it doesn’t surprise me that people would get curious about these things and feel like they just had to look at them.

I draw the line, however, when people snoop around my things and feel the need to share with everyone they can talk to. I think it would have been less unsettling had I had a drug stash and that’s what they found. But no, these were letters, books, and other things that were mine, were personal, and have the possibility to deeply damage the relationships I’ve built with my family, or at the very least, what resembles a relationship.

What disturbs me more is the fact that some people, in my own family, either do, or would, view me as a freak. Of course, my family is an excellent example of what “normal” is so they would know a freak when they saw one. What also disturbs me is that my family cares more about what other people, outside the family, would think if word were to get out that I’m trans. Wow, my parents were horrible parents because I want to have gender reassignment surgery. Maybe they tortured me as a child, deprived me of food, locked me in a closet, tied me to my bed and wouldn’t let me out. Maybe that’s why I am trans. Or maybe, and I’m going out on a limb here, I was born this way, through no fault of my own, or my parents, or anyone related to me, or anyone not related to me.

It’s hard for me to really put myself in my parents shoes though. If my child told me that they were transgender, I would support them no matter what. So when my parents reacted with “We will disown you” I was a bit shocked and confused. But I’m your child! You gave birth to me! This just happens to be who I am. But then I’m also reminded that telling your parents that the daughter they thought they had is really a son, is really confusing for them too. I can’t really imagine what they felt like, what they thought, when I told them. Maybe they were mad, but maybe they were more confused about the whole thing.

I bring this up now because I know that even though I’m sure they know that something is going on, especially since someone left all of my trans things laying out downstairs, I know that I’m going to have to tell them, again, sooner or later. In this case, it’s going to be relatively soon. I’m not sure how they will react a second time around. They’ve had five years to think about this now, if they’ve even been thinking about this at all, so that time might have made them realize certain things. Like how I’m going to do this no matter what because this is who I am. Maybe they’ll react the same way as before. I’m not sure.

Figuring out how to tell them is what really eats me up these days. I’m not sure that I’d be able to keep my cool if they were to have the same reaction as before if I told them in person. I was thinking of writing a letter, but I don’t want to bitch out on this. It’s important that they realize that this is what I want, what I need, because it’s who I am. This is not something that someone forced me into, or the internet influenced me. It’s not something that came about because I don’t attend church. This is something that I’ve known since I can remember. There is no right answer here. No matter how I tell them, I’m going to tell them. They’ll have the same reaction whether they listen to me or they read what I have to say.

I guess my only hesitation in this is that while I know I can handle not having them in my life, if it comes to that, I’m not sure I want to let them go. But I’ve known that this was something I would have to do on my own for awhile now and I’ve been preparing for it. I’m strong enough now that I can do this on my own.

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I was so incredulous at that that, while I couldn’t take it out on the happy young woman in front of me, it redoubled my feeling that any transfolks who believe that HRC is on our side is delusional. We ALL need to write to HRC and tell them what a lame philosophy that is and how much it makes us feel like second class citizens in the alt.lifestyle community.

I don’t believe that HRC’s stance on ENDA and transgender inclusion makes us second class citizens. I also don’t believe that it is “lame”. Here’s why. There is no way that ENDA would have passed with transgender inclusion. That’s not HRC’s fault. That’s the fault of the narrow-minded politicians who are responsible for passing legislation.

There are a couple of points that I want to address before moving on. First, how does this make you feel like a second class citizen? Please, explain this to me. I’m Transgender and I don’t feel like HRC is treating us like second class citizens. Is it HRC’s fault that a transgender-inclusive bill wouldn’t get passed? No. Do you really think trans-inclusive legislation would change people’s minds? It wouldn’t automagically make people more tolerant or accepting of trans people. Who creates second class citizens? The lack of legislation, your fellow citizens who are narrow-minded, or you?

Secondly, being transgender isn’t a “lifestyle”. It’s not the same as being a nudist or being a goth or being a skater. Being transgender is your life. There is a huge difference between a lifestyle, which is a choice, versus something that you really have no choice over. I am transgender. If I could choose to be something, out of everything in the whole world, do you honestly think I would choose to be trans? Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of who I am, but I could save a lot of tears and anger if I weren’t trans.

Now, why is this such a huge deal? Did you honestly expect that Congress would pass a trans-inclusive bill? Did you think that HRC would be able to force Congress into passing it? I hate to break it to you, but Congress wouldn’t have passed a trans-inclusive bill no matter how hard HRC fought. That’s just how Congress works. According to HRC in November of last year:

While HRC was disappointed that HR 3685 did not include protections for transgender Americans, it believes the successful passage of Congressman Frank’s bill is a step forward for all Americans, and that it paves the way for additional progress to outlaw workplace discrimination based on gender identity.

HRC isn’t saying that we are second class citizens, or that we are less important than other groups. They are just saying, at this point in time, our society isn’t ready for a trans-inclusive bill. I mean, you can’t expect a society or culture, who’s views of gender are completely black and white, to just accept people who dramatically change a cultural construct in a short amount of time.

HRC is looking at the bigger picture here. Which, I beg all of you to do as well. Instead of taking one giant leap forward with a trans-inclusive bill, we are taking a small step forward. Would it be nice to have a trans-inclusive bill? Yes, it would. But it’s not going to happen.

Why is a federal bill more important than state legislation? According to the same article linked to above, there are currently 39 states in which it is legal to fire someone for being trans. See if your state is one of them, and fight for that! Start more locally then work for something bigger.

Update: I just read on the HRC blog that the House Committee on Education and Labor will be holding a hearing on trans discrimination in the work place! This is excellent news as it is the first hearing, ever, to exclusively talk about transgender issues.

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I’ve been in Cleveland since then end of May. It’s been a great few months here. I’ve been open to everyone I meet that I’m trans and make it no secret. There have only been a couple of occasions where I’ve been uncomfortable but for the most part, and I really do mean most, my experiences with telling people I’m trans have been amazing. I’ve talked about my lack of trust for other people numerous times, so I’m not going to get into that again. However, that’s slowly changing because of my interactions with people and friends.

I went out last night with Ness’ friend from work. I had met her, her boyfriend, and her friend Lisa before at a costume party where they asked me questions about being trans. Last night, we got to talking about it and I learned that because I was open about my situation, they’ve not only discussed it in depth, but they’ve also told other people about my situation. I’m really happy to hear that people are having conversations about this, even if it’s just a “How would you feel about your kid being trans?”

Everyone that I meet always asks me questions. For some reason though, they always preface their questions with something along the lines of “you don’t have to answer.” I always say that they can ask me anything because I’m very open about my life in this regard. Seriously, go ahead and ask me a question. I’ll be more than happy to answer. It doesn’t matter if it’s about sex, surgery, hormones, my parents and family, or how other people react.

The surgeries I’ll cover in my next videocast, but as for everything else, here are the questions I get asked the most.

1. What’s sex like? Well, without giving away too much information, because I’m not open about the details of my sex life, sex is great. I have it, I’m not ashamed of it or how we do it, and neither is Ness.
2. When do you plan on having the surgeries? When I can afford them. They aren’t covered by health insurance so I’ll have to fork over money of my own, or take out a loan and fork over money to the bank.
3. How does your family react? At first, they weren’t too happy. In fact, they threatened to disown me. However, my dad has told me in not-so-many words that he’s accepted it, even if he doesn’t understand or agree. I’ve told two of my three sisters, the two youngest, and both were, and continue to be, very supportive. The reason I haven’t told my other sister is because I’m not close with her, she wouldn’t care, and she’d probably make fun of me and call me a freak. No, I shit you not because that is the kind of person she is.
4. How do other people react? It depends on the person, their background, and how open-minded they are, but for the most part, everyone I’ve met have been supportive and completely cool with the whole thing. There have been a few situations, but nothing I couldn’t handle with Ness’ help. Most of my friends have been cool with it while I’ve lost some friends. Turns out, I don’t miss those friends one bit.
5. When did you know? I have memories of knowing from way back when I was 2 – 4 years old. However, I didn’t completely admit it to myself until I was 20. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I tried to make my parents happy, but that obviously didn’t work. They can take me as I am or move on.
6. How can I have kids? Well, physically, I can’t. Well, right now I could, but I don’t want kids popping out of me. That’s weird. It’s weird enough that I have all those “parts” when I don’t even want them. Basically, adoption, artificial insemination, and that sort of thing will have to do, because I can’t impregnate anyone, and I sure as hell don’t want to get pregnant. Once I can afford to, I plan on getting a hysterectomy.

There are tons more, but I’m having a brain fart at the moment and can’t think of anything else. I’ll make another post once I can gather my thoughts and put down some words.

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I was talking to my sisters today, Andrea and Nicole.  They are the youngest of us.  Nicole was telling me that I’ve changed and that she didn’t know me anymore.  Instead of just going along with it like I normally would have, I told her that I was trans.  I’m just at the point where I’m not going to hide it anymore.  I shouldn’t be afraid of who I am, and I don’t have to be afraid.  I’m tired of hiding and walking on egg shells.

So, I told them, thinking they’d call me a freak or think I’m weird or not want to talk to me anymore.  But that’s not how it went at all.  They were both very nonchalant about it, almost as if they already figured it out on their own.  They didn’t really ask many questions, but I guess those will come eventually.

I told them that I was changing my name to Josh and they were both asking me when and then that was it, just like every other conversation that I’ve had with them.

They didn’t judge me, at least not to me, and they both said that they accepted it.  So, I guess that was easy…

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The House of Representatives voted on Thursday to extend hate-crime protection to people who are victimized because of their sexuality. But the most immediate effect may be to set up another veto showdown between Democrats and President Bush.
By 237 to 180, the House voted to cover crimes spurred by a victim’s “gender, sexual orientation, gender identity” or disability under the hate-crime designation, which currently applies to people who are attacked because of their race, religion, color or national origin.

To be honest with you, I didn’t think I needed to read any further than that, but I knew that it wasn’t going to be that easy, there had to be a catch. I was right.

Companion legislation is moving through the Senate. But even assuming that a bill emerges from the full Congress, it will face a veto by President Bush on the grounds that it is “unnecessary and constitutionally questionable,” the White House said. The vote to approve the bill did not come close to the two-thirds needed to override a veto.

Wait a second…since when is the government protecting it’s citizens “unnecessary and constitutionally questionable?” Is it really that it’s constitutionally questionable, or is it more the fact that President Bush’s religious morals are leading the way on this issue?

Debate over the legislation has been spirited, and while some of it has addressed whether the bill is necessary, the arguments in the House chamber and beyond have been colored by issues of conscience and personal morality.

Why we need hate crime legislation

The current hate crime bill doesn’t protect transsexual or transgender persons and it only covers people while they are participating in a federal act, such as voting. The bill recently passed by the house “would make it easier for federal authorities to take part in hate-crime investigations if local investigators are unable or unwilling to pursue them.”

How is not expanding hate crime legislation wrong? Shouldn’t we do everything in our power to protect people? Even people who identify as trans? How could it hurt?

Representative Mike Pence, Republican of Indiana, called the bill “unnecessary and bad public policy.” While he finds racism and sexism “abhorrent,” Mr. Pence said, the bill’s language is so broad that it could encroach on free speech.

Representative John A. Boehner, Republican of Ohio and the minority leader, said the bill made no sense: “We’re going to put into place a federal law that says that not only will we punish you for the crime that you actually commit, the physical crime that you commit, but we’re also going to charge you with a crime if we think that you were thinking bad things about this person before you committed the crime.”

People are perfectly free to say whatever the hell they want. There’s an amendment in the Constitution that protects that right. All this bill is trying to do is protect people from violent acts, and if needed, to classify violent acts against trans people as a hate-crimes.

Source – NY Times Article

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Looking back over my childhood, I always felt like this, like I was in the wrong body. For a long time, I didn’t know what to think of myself. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my feelings and I had no idea that other people, that felt the exact same way, were out there.

“I can’t quite explain it. It was just a feeling of being not quite in my body,” Rebecca said. “When I was in kindergarten, I would tell people that when I grew up I wanted to be a boy. I didn’t want to be astronaut, or a teacher. I wanted to be a boy.”

I wish I could have had the courage to tell my family what I was going through, but then again, we’ve never been a close knit family. I don’t remember ever having a deep conversation with my parents about anything. They’ve always just let me be. I don’t think that they would have handled it differently then they did when I told them a few years ago though. I never really knew how to express how I felt to anyone.

How do you look at someone, right in the face, and tell them that everything they know about you is a total lie? And that their daughter, isn’t a daughter, but a son? The look on their faces, I still remember it, was a look of anger, but the look in their eyes, was a look of hurt. It wasn’t so much that they thought I was crazy, because they already had, or that they thought I was a freak, because they know that I’m not, but I turned their world upside down, and they don’t like it when the boat rocks.

Getting back to 20/20, there are some great articles about the interviews on the ABC website. Here are a few:

• A Boy in a Girl’s Body
• Born With the Wrong Body
• What Is Gender Identity Disorder?
• Transgender Children: More Resources

You can also check out clips of the interviews on the 20/20 website.  There’s also a blog post on one of the ABC blogs with some excellent, and not so excellent comments.

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Administrators agreed to reverse a district protocol this week that limited males to compete for the title after Covarrubias was nominated by her classmates.

It’s really cool to see some progress being made.  It might only be Prom King, but at least it’s something.  I think this says a lot about how far we’ve already come, struggling to be considered “normal” and all.  There’s still a long way to go though, but a step in the right direction never hurt.

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