The rant I posted regarding men and rape the other day garnered some awesome conversations regarding the topic and Rape Culture in general. I haven’t gone out of my way to really research anything, but in the course of my daily internet routine, I’ve come across a few things that are on the same topic that have really caught my eye.

I want to explain my rant a little more because some of my male friends took it as a direct assault on them. I want to be honest here and say that I don’t think it is strictly a male problem or issue but more of a culture problem.

We’re raised in a somewhat violent culture, where threats of violence are the norm (for most) and are meant as a way to prevent other issues. In my childhood alone, I was beat daily, often more than once a day. Threats were made by my father; “If you don’t knock that shit out, I will beat the shit out of you.” My friends experienced similar threats. Violence, when put in these terms, seems far more prevalent than any other sort of cultural issue (trust me, I could talk all day about what I believe to be issues within our culture).

Gender is a societal, cultural construct, that is taught to us early in childhood. When we’re young, toddlers and such, we begin to learn the traits that divide males and females. This needs to be taught. We are not born with an intrinsic knowledge of what gender is. Once we learn these differences, we are then subjected to different treatments based on our gender and are taught gender-specific things (ie: boys don’t cry, don’t show your emotions). No one ever really fits into the “ideal” for each gender; gender is a spectrum and any one person can fall anywhere between the two ideals.

To get back to violence; boys are meant to be tough, to be fighters, and violent threats, even jokingly, are often made. Even now, I’m in my mid-20s and I receive and make violent threats as jokes. This is acceptable amongst many males and this sort of behavior happens often. I’ve even jokingly threatened my female friends; “I will slap you with a foam finger.” Would I ever actually slap a female? Absolutely not, but I know many men that actually would and would be proud of it.

My experience is somewhat unique in the fact that I’m transgender; I was raised as a female, I was taught “female things” such as sewing, cooking, cleaning. From an early age, I exhibited more male traits, demanding that I couldn’t wear dresses, that I wanted to capture toads and worms, that I wanted to wear actual boys clothing, and later, I demanded that I really was a boy. My parents scoffed and I’m sure thought that I was going through a “phase” and that eventually I would grow out of it. I didn’t, obviously, which causes my parents to flip out often; even now, they still hope that I will outgrow this and realize that I’m completely wrong about who I am.

Growing up in this way sort of shaped my views on everything else. How could it not when things are so tightly connected to gender? I experienced different things depending on where I lived or who I was friends with. People treated me differently. But I was also able to see, first hand, how the two different genders were treated, what was expected of them, and how they dealt with these things.

In my early 20s, I lived in San Diego, about 3,000 miles from the small town that I grew up in in rural New York state. I was home visiting, hanging out at a bar with my male friends listening to their banter about females. The second night I was back, one of my male friends had violently raped one of my female friends. They had been dating for only a couple of weeks and when the news of the rape spread around town, most people blamed my female friend. I was shocked and appalled more by the reaction of the town than I actually was about the rape. My female friend was afraid to leave her house because when she did, most people weren’t afraid to call her a slut or a whore.

The idea that, even when a women is violently raped, it is still her fault is absolutely ridiculous, but “female fault” is instilled in us along with other gender traits. When a man hasn’t had an orgasm in months, hell, even days, the blame automatically falls onto the woman in the relationship. While in a relationship, women need to “put out” and if they don’t, males will beg, trick, and deceive to get it, and in some cases (a lot, actually) they will rape. I blame this on a few things but mostly I blame it on the violent culture we grow up in but also the idea that males are somehow superior. More often than not, rape is not about sex but more about power; a way to control a person that a male views as an inferior being. Males do this not just with women, but other males as well. Power is a commodity that many people crave and desire, especially males because it is driven into them at an early age and the idea that anyone would refuse a male, a superior being, is infuriating. People will go to great lengths to shame and debase someone who has chinked the armor of their power trip; rape is a common, albeit unacceptable, way of doing this.

I am in no way defending rape and blaming this solely on how we are raised but I think there is a very real correlation between these things. It is very hard to reverse these ideas when, pretty much from birth, these are instilled and continue through most of the phases of our development. We can’t prevent violence, although we can certainly try, but I think our biggest issue is creating a cultural shift. We can fight the symptoms of the disease, but until we treat the actual disease, we’re going to be fighting a losing battle.

This idea isn’t new and is advocated among many male anti-violence/rape groups: one of the best articles I’ve seen can be found at The White Ribbon Campaign website.

The redefinition of masculinity or, really, the dismantling of the psychic and social structures of gender that bring with them such peril. The paradox of patriarchy is the pain, rage, frustration, isolation, and fear among that half of the species for whom relative power and privilege is given. We ignore all this to our peril. In order to successfully reach men, this work must be premised on compassion, love, and respect, combined with a clear challenge to negative masculine norms and their destructive outcomes. Pro-feminist men doing this work must speak to other men as our brothers, not as aliens who are not as enlightened or worthy as we are.

Gender is at the very heart of the issue and while this is a very real female issue, this is also a very real male issue and men need to take up the cause as well. This is not something that we can be passive-aggressive about.

Organizing and involving men to work in cooperation with women in reshaping the gender organization of society, in particular, our institutions and relations through which we raise children. This requires much more emphasis on the importance of men as nurturers and caregivers, fully involved in the raising of children in positive ways free of violence.

If you are interested, please reblog, spread the word and check out a couple of organizations that can provide more information: The White Ribbon Campaign and Men Can Stop Rape. There is absolutely no shame in trying to create a culture in which both genders can coexist equally and peacefully.

As a last minute addition, I recommend reading this article that was posted a couple of days ago to CBSNews.

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I follow a bunch of people on tumblr and at some point this morning, a link was brought to my attention. Men can be feminists too and men can care about rape and they can do things and speak against the Rape Culture. Yes, for those of you wondering, there is in fact a Rape Culture.  I don’t think I need to go much further then this article to prove that to anyone. I went on a rant after reading the first linked article from Daily Kos and it sort of spawned an awesome discussion both on tumblr and on my Facebook, where I decided to copy and paste my rant. I thought that I would do the same here in order to spawn some discussion and debate and let’s see where we end up with all of this.

Spot fucking on.

Let me tell you something. I have three younger sisters and one of them has already been a victim. The two youngest have a pretty high chance of being raped also and I’m very protective of them only because of this. My sister was raped when she was 17, more than 80% of my friends that are girls have been raped, and I watched, stood by really, as it destroyed them. In a few instances, I count myself as responsible because there were signs, things were said, and I stood by and did nothing. I learned my lesson quickly and now I don’t put up with shit. My friends say something that degrades, puts down women, I stomp on it. I overhear someone saying “no means yes,” I punch them in the face. I hear someone talking about taking a drunk girl home, I can be the ultimate cock block.

There is a very skewed and fucked up mentality going on in our culture. I can blame the media and I can blame celebrities that dress and act like dumbasses, but what it comes down to is that we’re all easily manipulated into thinking that there isn’t a problem. But there is a HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM. We, as males, need to realize this and start doing something about it because I’m really tired of being woken up after closing time and running over to a [girl]friend’s house because she’s too scared to call the police or go to the hospital alone, or because she doesn’t want to be alone, or because she needs someone to be with her. The idea that women are sexual objects put on this Earth to shove our dicks in is fucking ridiculous. You want to get off? Masturbate, buy a Fleshlight. There is no fucking reason for rape, for sexual assualt, for violence. Period. There is no fucking reason for it.

You think this doesn’t affect you? Wrong. Your sister, your mom, your aunt, your cousins, your friends. These are the people that could possibly suffer. Would you be okay with the fact that your mom was raped? No, you wouldn’t be. Do something to prevent it instead of just standing by, reading articles, trying to defend the male psyche. Get over it and stand up. I’m pretty sure you don’t like knowing that most women view every man as a potential rapist, including you, and there is only one way to change that.

This is certainly not my best argument or rant but it is definitely heartfelt and passionate and something that I feel very deeply about. I think it is important to also point out one of the comments left on my Facebook by my friend Amanda, who is spot on:

Just thinking about this makes me sick. People joke, but I can’t imagine living a life where I wasn’t constantly looking over my shoulder. Also, there is a misconception about conventionally “hot” girls being more susceptible to this treatment. Untrue. Misogynists will find those things each woman is insecure about and capitalize on it (i.e., being… Read More a “whore,” a bitch, a prude, a fatty, a crazy cat lady), no matter what they look like or what their personal values and perceptions are.

And let’s get one thing straight – no one ever “asks for it.” No means No, not maybe, or possibly, or “you can try to change my mind.” It means no, regardless of length of skirt or rise of shirt. However, when a woman gets raped, there is inevitably the person who will ask what she was wearing or what she was doing walking home alone at night.

Why shouldn’t she be able to wear whatever the fuck she wants or walk wherever the fuck she wants at whatever time she wants? We’re people too, equally as capable, smart and responsible as those of you with something swinging between your legs. But this Rape Culture we live in tells us we should be afraid, and given society’s acceptance of playing the blame game, maybe we should.

Please discuss, I’m really curious as to your thoughts on this; not just my comments or Amanda’s but about Rape Culture in general.

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