The rant I posted regarding men and rape the other day garnered some awesome conversations regarding the topic and Rape Culture in general. I haven’t gone out of my way to really research anything, but in the course of my daily internet routine, I’ve come across a few things that are on the same topic that have really caught my eye.
I want to explain my rant a little more because some of my male friends took it as a direct assault on them. I want to be honest here and say that I don’t think it is strictly a male problem or issue but more of a culture problem.
We’re raised in a somewhat violent culture, where threats of violence are the norm (for most) and are meant as a way to prevent other issues. In my childhood alone, I was beat daily, often more than once a day. Threats were made by my father; “If you don’t knock that shit out, I will beat the shit out of you.” My friends experienced similar threats. Violence, when put in these terms, seems far more prevalent than any other sort of cultural issue (trust me, I could talk all day about what I believe to be issues within our culture).
Gender is a societal, cultural construct, that is taught to us early in childhood. When we’re young, toddlers and such, we begin to learn the traits that divide males and females. This needs to be taught. We are not born with an intrinsic knowledge of what gender is. Once we learn these differences, we are then subjected to different treatments based on our gender and are taught gender-specific things (ie: boys don’t cry, don’t show your emotions). No one ever really fits into the “ideal” for each gender; gender is a spectrum and any one person can fall anywhere between the two ideals.
To get back to violence; boys are meant to be tough, to be fighters, and violent threats, even jokingly, are often made. Even now, I’m in my mid-20s and I receive and make violent threats as jokes. This is acceptable amongst many males and this sort of behavior happens often. I’ve even jokingly threatened my female friends; “I will slap you with a foam finger.” Would I ever actually slap a female? Absolutely not, but I know many men that actually would and would be proud of it.
My experience is somewhat unique in the fact that I’m transgender; I was raised as a female, I was taught “female things” such as sewing, cooking, cleaning. From an early age, I exhibited more male traits, demanding that I couldn’t wear dresses, that I wanted to capture toads and worms, that I wanted to wear actual boys clothing, and later, I demanded that I really was a boy. My parents scoffed and I’m sure thought that I was going through a “phase” and that eventually I would grow out of it. I didn’t, obviously, which causes my parents to flip out often; even now, they still hope that I will outgrow this and realize that I’m completely wrong about who I am.
Growing up in this way sort of shaped my views on everything else. How could it not when things are so tightly connected to gender? I experienced different things depending on where I lived or who I was friends with. People treated me differently. But I was also able to see, first hand, how the two different genders were treated, what was expected of them, and how they dealt with these things.
In my early 20s, I lived in San Diego, about 3,000 miles from the small town that I grew up in in rural New York state. I was home visiting, hanging out at a bar with my male friends listening to their banter about females. The second night I was back, one of my male friends had violently raped one of my female friends. They had been dating for only a couple of weeks and when the news of the rape spread around town, most people blamed my female friend. I was shocked and appalled more by the reaction of the town than I actually was about the rape. My female friend was afraid to leave her house because when she did, most people weren’t afraid to call her a slut or a whore.
The idea that, even when a women is violently raped, it is still her fault is absolutely ridiculous, but “female fault” is instilled in us along with other gender traits. When a man hasn’t had an orgasm in months, hell, even days, the blame automatically falls onto the woman in the relationship. While in a relationship, women need to “put out” and if they don’t, males will beg, trick, and deceive to get it, and in some cases (a lot, actually) they will rape. I blame this on a few things but mostly I blame it on the violent culture we grow up in but also the idea that males are somehow superior. More often than not, rape is not about sex but more about power; a way to control a person that a male views as an inferior being. Males do this not just with women, but other males as well. Power is a commodity that many people crave and desire, especially males because it is driven into them at an early age and the idea that anyone would refuse a male, a superior being, is infuriating. People will go to great lengths to shame and debase someone who has chinked the armor of their power trip; rape is a common, albeit unacceptable, way of doing this.
I am in no way defending rape and blaming this solely on how we are raised but I think there is a very real correlation between these things. It is very hard to reverse these ideas when, pretty much from birth, these are instilled and continue through most of the phases of our development. We can’t prevent violence, although we can certainly try, but I think our biggest issue is creating a cultural shift. We can fight the symptoms of the disease, but until we treat the actual disease, we’re going to be fighting a losing battle.
This idea isn’t new and is advocated among many male anti-violence/rape groups: one of the best articles I’ve seen can be found at The White Ribbon Campaign website.
The redefinition of masculinity or, really, the dismantling of the psychic and social structures of gender that bring with them such peril. The paradox of patriarchy is the pain, rage, frustration, isolation, and fear among that half of the species for whom relative power and privilege is given. We ignore all this to our peril. In order to successfully reach men, this work must be premised on compassion, love, and respect, combined with a clear challenge to negative masculine norms and their destructive outcomes. Pro-feminist men doing this work must speak to other men as our brothers, not as aliens who are not as enlightened or worthy as we are.
Gender is at the very heart of the issue and while this is a very real female issue, this is also a very real male issue and men need to take up the cause as well. This is not something that we can be passive-aggressive about.
Organizing and involving men to work in cooperation with women in reshaping the gender organization of society, in particular, our institutions and relations through which we raise children. This requires much more emphasis on the importance of men as nurturers and caregivers, fully involved in the raising of children in positive ways free of violence.
If you are interested, please reblog, spread the word and check out a couple of organizations that can provide more information: The White Ribbon Campaign and Men Can Stop Rape. There is absolutely no shame in trying to create a culture in which both genders can coexist equally and peacefully.
As a last minute addition, I recommend reading this article that was posted a couple of days ago to CBSNews.