Josh Anastasia

“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.” - Alan Watts

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in life: what do I want to do; what kind of person do I want to be. That sort of thing. It’s really not as interesting as it sounds, I promise you this. I feel like a kid again, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, and I feel as if I have the world at my finger tips but I can’t for the life of me come up with anything.

When I was younger, I wasn’t afraid of anything. I would catch spiders and study every inch of them before dramatically setting them free in a ceremony where I was their hero. I nursed birds back from the dead when they fell out of trees or had broken wings. I would climb as high as I could on any tree in sight, looking out across my neighborhood as its ruler; the god that ruled all living beings.

Growing older and cynical had never entered my mind; becoming afraid of the things that I loved was completely unimagineable. The wold began to scare me. Something in me has changed as of late. I’m forced to look at the world, and the people in it, much differently; with the same respect and awe that my younger self possessed.

One of my favorite things to do, always has been, is to watch the History Channel; I’ve always been fascinated with history. I’ve also been watching the Indiana Jones movies on television in preparation of seeing the new one. I keep being reminded of my passion for history and of how I used to want to be Indiana Jones. I wanted to go off on super awesome adventures to discover things like The Ark of the Covenant or The Holy Grail.

As a kid, my best friend, Brian, and I would grab our fedora’s and our jump ropes and pretend we were Indiana Jones. Yes, we really had fedoras and as far as we were concerned, our jump ropes made excellent bullwhips. We’d spend all day rescuing beautiful women that had been captured by Nazis while beating them to the treasure. At first, we strictly adhered to the movies, but we could only re-enact those so many times before we became bored, so we began to create new adventures. We once went to Egypt, crawled through tombs and through cramped tunnels and passageways inside pyramids to uncover the lost sarcophagus of Cleopatra. By the way, in our minds you really could have two Indiana Jones; neither one of us wanted to not be Indiana, so we had to both be him.

Years later, the longing for such adventures is back. So I’m thinking, should I actually do that and be an archaeologist? I’m inevitably forced to realize that I probably wouldn’t make a great Indiana Jones, but I’d at least like to try. There’s a part of me that wants to be adventurous and daring, however, there’s the bigger part of me that wants to be safe and do something sensible. Jumping out of airplanes, traipsing through jungles with malaria carrying bugs, and crossing broken, rotted, and flimsy bridges is very exciting, but not exactly my kind of adventure. I prefer to read and watch, not actually do.

However, the more confident I become in my mountain biking and hiking excursions, I’m beginning to realize that a little excitement and adventure isn’t as bad, or as scary, as I thought. In fact, it might be what I need.

The nagging question in the back of my mind is will adventure make me feel more alive? Will I feel more fulfilled? The truth is that I have absolutely no idea. But I look at the life I have and know that I’m not happy with it. I look at the life I could have if I stay on this track and know that I won’t be happy. Eventually, I’m sure I’ll want to settle down and have that ideal life with 2.5 kids and a house with a picket fence. However, I don’t want that now. Which seems odd considering that the girl I’m dating is about to pop out a kid. But for now, that’s not the life I want.

I was reading through my feed reader when I came across a post by Tom, who has a wonderful site and is from my neck of the woods. He posted a link to a short flash cartoon, based on a recording by Alan Watts, titled Music & Life. I’ve always been the kind of person who just goes with the flow. I don’t think things through often, if at all. I plan, I make lists, but that’s only because I have OCD and I need to stay organized. Other than that, I rush into things, I forget about the consequences, and, for the most part, I really don’t give a shit about much.

Back to the flash cartoon. I’ve been told, and I’m still being told, that I need to do exactly what Alan Watts is talking about in the beginning. I need to get a job, work hard, and in the end it’ll pay off. But will it? I’m not the kind of person that can do that, at least not right now. I don’t feel like settling down. I feel like running, doing things I wouldn’t normally do, and just generally being crazy. I’m starting to let go of the plans for my life, and the lists. I’m slowly changing.

I’m dating again and I’m really enjoying getting to know her. Slowly. I’m not rushing into things, I’m not jumping into a relationship with her, I’m slowly going with the flow to see where it takes us. I’m discovering that I don’t have to plan out my life, that I don’t need someone else to define me, and it’s not so much what I do but how I do it that counts.