May ‘08 Mixtape

This month’s mixtape came about without a theme. This one was a lot harder to put together than April’s. Lisa suggested that we do a theme for May, which was all set to be “Shake Up, The Break Up”, however, it didn’t seem right to do that once I started dating again. Also, who really wants to hear depressing songs? The weather is changing, it’s time to start listening to music that’s a bit happier, or upbeat, or at least disguised as an upbeat song.

Some of these songs would fit that, however, I wanted to keep some of these songs on here because I love them. I was going to put another Rilo Kiley track on here, but between myself and Mandy, we’ve pretty much covered them.

So without further ado, here is May’s mixtape.

The Tracklist

  1. Centennial - Tokyo Police Club
  2. I’m Not Sorry - The Pigeon Detectives
  3. Broken Arm - Winterpills
  4. Knots - Pete and The Pirates
  5. Lolita - Throw Me The Statue
  6. Just Impolite - Plushgun
  7. Two Steps Twice - Foals
  8. Paper Float - Cassettes Won’t Listen
  9. Summer’s Gone - Aberfeldy
  10. Let’s See It - We Are Scientists
  11. 1234 - Feist
  12. Headshock - Tapes ‘N Tapes
  13. Close To Me - The Get Up Kids
  14. Sad Eyes - Josh Rouse
  15. Cherry Tulips - Headlights
  16. Bang Bang, You’re Dead - Dirty Pretty Things
  17. Walking - The Dodos
  18. Someone, Somewhere - Jason Reeves
  19. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
  20. Heavy Metal Drummer - Wilco
  21. Uh Oh - Taken By Cars

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This Is Not A Test, Or Is It

“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.” - Alan Watts

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in life: what do I want to do; what kind of person do I want to be. That sort of thing. It’s really not as interesting as it sounds, I promise you this. I feel like a kid again, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, and I feel as if I have the world at my finger tips but I can’t for the life of me come up with anything.

When I was younger, I wasn’t afraid of anything. I would catch spiders and study every inch of them before dramatically setting them free in a ceremony where I was their hero. I nursed birds back from the dead when they fell out of trees or had broken wings. I would climb as high as I could on any tree in sight, looking out across my neighborhood as its ruler; the god that ruled all living beings.

Growing older and cynical had never entered my mind; becoming afraid of the things that I loved was completely unimagineable. The wold began to scare me. Something in me has changed as of late. I’m forced to look at the world, and the people in it, much differently; with the same respect and awe that my younger self possessed.

One of my favorite things to do, always has been, is to watch the History Channel; I’ve always been fascinated with history. I’ve also been watching the Indiana Jones movies on television in preparation of seeing the new one. I keep being reminded of my passion for history and of how I used to want to be Indiana Jones. I wanted to go off on super awesome adventures to discover things like The Ark of the Covenant or The Holy Grail.

As a kid, my best friend, Brian, and I would grab our fedora’s and our jump ropes and pretend we were Indiana Jones. Yes, we really had fedoras and as far as we were concerned, our jump ropes made excellent bullwhips. We’d spend all day rescuing beautiful women that had been captured by Nazis while beating them to the treasure. At first, we strictly adhered to the movies, but we could only re-enact those so many times before we became bored, so we began to create new adventures. We once went to Egypt, crawled through tombs and through cramped tunnels and passageways inside pyramids to uncover the lost sarcophagus of Cleopatra. By the way, in our minds you really could have two Indiana Jones; neither one of us wanted to not be Indiana, so we had to both be him.

Years later, the longing for such adventures is back. So I’m thinking, should I actually do that and be an archaeologist? I’m inevitably forced to realize that I probably wouldn’t make a great Indiana Jones, but I’d at least like to try. There’s a part of me that wants to be adventurous and daring, however, there’s the bigger part of me that wants to be safe and do something sensible. Jumping out of airplanes, traipsing through jungles with malaria carrying bugs, and crossing broken, rotted, and flimsy bridges is very exciting, but not exactly my kind of adventure. I prefer to read and watch, not actually do.

However, the more confident I become in my mountain biking and hiking excursions, I’m beginning to realize that a little excitement and adventure isn’t as bad, or as scary, as I thought. In fact, it might be what I need.

The nagging question in the back of my mind is will adventure make me feel more alive? Will I feel more fulfilled? The truth is that I have absolutely no idea. But I look at the life I have and know that I’m not happy with it. I look at the life I could have if I stay on this track and know that I won’t be happy. Eventually, I’m sure I’ll want to settle down and have that ideal life with 2.5 kids and a house with a picket fence. However, I don’t want that now. Which seems odd considering that the girl I’m dating is about to pop out a kid. But for now, that’s not the life I want.

I was reading through my feed reader when I came across a post by Tom, who has a wonderful site and is from my neck of the woods. He posted a link to a short flash cartoon, based on a recording by Alan Watts, titled Music & Life. I’ve always been the kind of person who just goes with the flow. I don’t think things through often, if at all. I plan, I make lists, but that’s only because I have OCD and I need to stay organized. Other than that, I rush into things, I forget about the consequences, and, for the most part, I really don’t give a shit about much.

Back to the flash cartoon. I’ve been told, and I’m still being told, that I need to do exactly what Alan Watts is talking about in the beginning. I need to get a job, work hard, and in the end it’ll pay off. But will it? I’m not the kind of person that can do that, at least not right now. I don’t feel like settling down. I feel like running, doing things I wouldn’t normally do, and just generally being crazy. I’m starting to let go of the plans for my life, and the lists. I’m slowly changing.

I’m dating again and I’m really enjoying getting to know her. Slowly. I’m not rushing into things, I’m not jumping into a relationship with her, I’m slowly going with the flow to see where it takes us. I’m discovering that I don’t have to plan out my life, that I don’t need someone else to define me, and it’s not so much what I do but how I do it that counts.

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I’m Going To Take Over The World

So really, what is there to say? Nothing. I don’t have a computer. My sister is using mine, she can’t find the keyboard or the mouse so that I can fix hers, and my dad is trying to keep me off of his computer. Why is he trying to keep me off the internet you might ask…? He thinks the internet is the reason that I’m transgender. He blames the internet for warping my mind, brain washing me, or whatever. Really? That’s sort of lame.

But that whole situation is really another post, because I’m in a super good mood right now and I just don’t want to get pissed off and depressed about something as idiotic as that.

I’m pretty sick of all of the politics revolving around the presidential race. Not only that, I’m pretty sick of politics in general. So the other day I was talking to Mandy, of course, and we decided we’re taking over the world. She’s going to be the Queen. I, of course, will be known as Dominator Josh. However, it won’t necessarily be a monarchy or a dictatorship. It’ll be a dictator democracy.

I’m going to rule until I die, then someone else will rule till they die, etc. But the “people” will elect representatives and they will pass most of the laws. I already have some members of my cabinet. Comment and you too can be a member.

Alright, so really, this post isn’t about me taking over the world, but about me dating. I’ve been struggling between dating and not dating. Then there was the problem of who to date. It is surprising to even me that I would have a problem of who to date. It’s not often that I have that problem.

Reasons I Don’t Want To Date

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve turned into the biggest asshole. I look back now and think what the fuck was I thinking. I mean, yes, I don’t want to date, but I don’t need to lead a girl on and find someone else, lead her on, and get so confused I have no idea what’s going on. I still have no idea what’s going on, but at least I stopped doing that. I’m not an asshole, generally, and I’m not a player, hardly ever, so that was a huge slap in the face when I realized that that was what I was doing. But I’ve figured it out now.

I’m going on a date. With one person. Only one person. And it took me awhile to figure out that I do want to date, but I needed to have boundaries and rules, and I needed to be able to move slow, at my own pace.

Reasons Why I Want To Date

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My Top Songs of the 90’s

Over the weekend I watched Radiohead’s special on VH1. It just so happened that while I was watching this, I was texting Mandy, and I of course had to mention that two Radiohead songs would probably make my top ten list of 90’s songs. But I didn’t have a list and that was just off the top of my head. Mandy went ahead and made one.

This is not in any sort of order. If I were to put it in order of my favorites, then I’d be here way longer than anyone should. Without further ado, here is my list.

  1. Creep by Radiohead - Even though “Creep” came out in ‘92 as a single, and ‘93 on Pablo Honey, I didn’t hear it until ‘97 when I heard “Paranoid Android” when OK Computer was released. While other people my age were off listening to Boyz II Men, I was listening to Radiohead. I think that speaks volumes about who I am. Oh, and I should mention, while I was listening to this, Mandy was in the process of developing a huge crush on the Backstreet Boys. I had to throw that in there.

  2. Something In The Way by Nirvana - This is probably not Nirvana’s best song, or even a well-liked song by them, but I happen to love it. In ‘91, when Nevermind came out, my friends were listing to “I Wanna Sex You Up,” by Color Me Badd and my dad was listening to “Show Me The Way” by Styx and “Love of A Lifetime” by Firehouse.

  3. Champagne Supernova by Oasis - To be honest, this was a toss up between this song or “Don’t Look Back In Anger”. Mandy choose the other, so I opted for this one, but just know that “Don’t Look Back In Anger” is virtually tied with this song. Some of my friends were listening to “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio, while others were listening to whatever was playing by TLC, mainly “Waterfalls” and “Creep”.

  4. Better Man by Pearl Jam - To be completely honest, I wasn’t a fan of Pearl Jam when they first came out. It wasn’t until after high school that I began to appreciate Pearl Jam. I still don’t like all of their stuff, or even most of their stuff, and Eddie Vedar’s voice has a tendency to drive me nuts on occasion. However, this is one of the few songs that I liked right away and can listen to over and over again. My friends were all listening to “The Sign” by Ace of Base. Losers.

  5. Welcome to Paradise by Green Day - Technically, this song was first released in ‘92 on Kerplunk but I didn’t listen to it, or any Green Day, until this was re-released on Dookie in ‘94.

  6. 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins - In general, I don’t like the Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corrigan’s voice just doesn’t do anything for me. However, there are exceptions, and “1979″ would be one of them. I think it was the video that did it for me.

  7. Badfish by Sublime - For the record, I am not a pot head, and in total I’ve only smoked up about five times in my whole life. The first time I smoked up was with my friend Ricardo. I was laughing hysterically for an hour, then my stomach started to hurt horribly, then I mellowed out and listened to 40 oz. to Freedom. Granted, I didn’t get high in ‘92, this was much much later, but it was released in ‘92 so it counts. Why was getting high so significant? It wasn’t. I didn’t really like it and didn’t think I would do it again. It was what happened when I mellowed out and listened to this song. But that’s for another time. In ‘92 my friends and I both were listening to “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-lot and some of my friends were listening to “Jump” by Kris Kross.

  8. Drive by Incubus - Incubus is probably the only band that I don’t really keep tabs on from this list. Obviously, others I don’t keep tabs on for other reasons, but Incubus is still putting out albums. In ‘99, when Make Yourself came out, I was in high school. A lot of things happened that year that this song reminds me of. This is on here, not because I like the song, but more so for what it reminds me of. Again, that’s for another day. In ‘99 my friends were listening to “No Scubs” by TLC (which I can’t listen to anymore because it was overplayed), “…Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears and some other stuff that I don’t remember.

  9. Tripping Billies by Dave Matthews Band - I heart Dave Matthews. “Tripping Billies” was originally released on Remember Two Things in ‘93. It was re-released on Crash in ‘96. I’ve seen DMB live more times than any other band. They were the reason I first picked up my dad’s guitar and learned what all those strings and frets were for.

  10. Demons by Guster - I first heard Guster at a DMB concert. I can’t think of a Guster song that I don’t like, but “Demons” is one of my favorites. It was released in ‘97 on their Goldfly album. In ‘97, my friends were listening to Jewel, The Backstreet Boys, and Usher. My ex was listening to Hanson. Go figure.

I could keep going, on and on and on. But I’m going to stop at ten for now and pick it up again later.

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