There’s a time and a place for me to air my dirty laundry, my thoughts, and my reservations. Sometimes, a blog isn’t always the right place to do that. My post yesterday should never have been posted, at least not everything that was in there.

Both Ness and Erin were right. It’s none of my business what Ness does, who she sees, or who she likes. To be honest, I never really wanted to know anyway. I should have just dropped it. Tried to forget it. Or never cared about it. But that really wasn’t the whole point of what I wrote. It was never about that. Sure, I was angry and hurt by it, but she can do whatever she wants now. Just like I can. But that doesn’t give me the right to flaunt it around or to rub it in her face.

Getting back to what I thought I was saying in my post. What I intended to try to say was that we weren’t communicating. But that has been a problem of ours for awhile, so I don’t know why I thought that it would change automagically. I never expected it to either.

One of my biggest flaws has always been forgetting to look at the bigger picture. Sure, I sometimes have that ability, but for the most part, I rush into things. Some people might say that that is what a hopeless romantic is, but no, it’s just foolish. That’s what happened between Ness and I when we first started our relationship. We never dated and we never took it slow, even if that’s what I wanted to do. So, by the time my vacation in Cleveland turned into a permanent living situation, it was painfully obvious that we didn’t really know each other. At least it’s painfully obvious now.

But we were both content to look to the future, instead of dealing with what was going on in the present. I talked recently about how nobody really knows me. It’s important to bring up again. There are a lot of things that I’m not comfortable discussing with people. No matter how much I wanted to tell Ness these things, I was never ready to do it. I had pushed them aside for so long and had never dealt with them myself. That should have been a red flag to me, but I thought that we had time, and eventually, I’d be ready to talk about them. But time is a funny, fickle thing. I always took it for granted. I thought that I had plenty of it. Little did I realize that I was quite mistaken.

Neither of us deserve to carry complete blame or fault in this situation. However, I admit, that I did way more wrong than she did. But arguing over that is pointless. We could fight for hours over who’s fault it was, who did what wrong, or who fucked up the most. But what it all comes down to is that neither of us ever really cared enough to talk it through. Or we both took time for granted.

I’m the kind of person who likes to plan, but I only plan so much. Yes, I want to marry Ness, but I never thought that we’d be in a situation like we are now. I just hoped that things would work out on their own. Which seems kind of silly now, because that’s not how things work. By the time I realized all of this, I was already back in New York, I already had my death warrant, and it was too late.

Which brings me to what’s going on now. Again, lack of communication is what’s the major cause of all of this. But also, my selfishness is to blame here. Sure, I’m changing, growing, becoming a better person, or at least I hope. But I’m still very selfish. I’ve been so concerned about me that I have put Ness’ needs and issues on hold, or pushed them aside. So I’ve been so concerned about her being my friend, that I never stopped to think how good of a friend I’m being to her. Which, I admit. Hasn’t been very good.

Here’s the thing though. And no, this isn’t an excuse. Or an explanation. It’s hard to be a friend when we don’t communicate truthfully to each other. It’s also hard to be a friend when I’m too busy being selfish. I always say that I need to talk to her, but I hardly ever stopped to ask her if she needed to talk. So I’ve been a horrible friend.

So she has every right to call me an asshole and to tell me to fuck off. And by the way, she did. Numerous times. But that’s okay, because she’s right.

So my new goal. While I’m so concerned about finding the new me, trying to deal with everything, changing, I should work on being less selfish. I can’t help anyone, including myself, if I’m so concerned with me. Yes, I need to focus on myself, but there’s a time and a place to do that, and when a friend needs you, that’s not the time to be selfish.

So no, I don’t expect Ness to want to be my friend. In fact, she said she didn’t want to be anymore. I understand that. And I’m okay with that. I don’t deserve another chance. I shouldn’t have aired out her business on my blog. It’s no longer our business. It’s hers. Realizing that we aren’t Ness and Josh anymore is hard, confusing, and seems unnatural. But, that’s just how it is now.