Post Track: Damien Rice - The Blower’s Daughter (Open in a new window or tab)
Since I’ve been back in New York I’ve been doing a great job of not ignoring my issues, problems, and feelings. To help me in the task of confronting everything, I’ve been keeping a notebook in my back pocket, carrying it with me everywhere, and writing in it. About a week ago, maybe two, I had this idea of creating a new blog, and anonymous blog, so that I could write freely online. But the last thing I need is another mask in my life.
My parents have told everyone in my family that I have high blood pressure. Now, that couldn’t be further from the truth, but I can see why they won’t tell them the truth. My grandparents would worry, my sisters birthday is coming up and I don’t want to ruin it for her since she’s turning 16, and well, I don’t think they’ve accepted it yet. Then I wonder where I get my lack of openness and willingness to change. It’s still no excuse though. My family should know what’s going on, and if my parents can’t be strong enough to tell them, I’m going to have to be.
So, getting back to the mask of which I wear most of the time. I used to think that it was easy to wear it, to hide things, to disregard my feelings, and to push things (events, emotions, and people) away. I was told that I needed to avoid emotional stress, but I just laughed at that. Most of my life I’ve been avoiding it, trying to think it would help me in some way, but I can’t do that now, even if I need to, or I’m supposed to.
I’ve spent my entire life avoiding emotions and feelings. I’m not going to do that with the rest of my life, no matter how much or how little is left. So that brings me to my notebook, because in the past few weeks it’s become more than a notebook. It’s become my best friend, and I think that I’ve become my best friend. I don’t hide from anything anymore, and I confront things. I have normal, emotional reactions, instead of pretending and trying my hardest to be a rock. I am not a rock, I’m a person, and I feel things, and despite what I used to think, I’m strong enough to face them.
Here are a few excerpts from my notebook, followed by my thoughts now, and this will ultimately culminate to the whole point of this post.
March 15th, 2008 4:31PM
If she’s so concerned about being selfish, then what the fuck is she doing now while I’m here, pretending to be someone I’m not, in pain, scared as hell, dying? Can’t she see that, above anyone else, I need her? I just need her. If she were trying to be selfless, she totally fucked up on that end. So fuck that. Just fuck it.
Obviously I was angry when I wrote this, and I still am angry about it. That’s not why she broke up with me, no matter what she tries to convince herself, or her friends, or whoever she wrote her post for. It was probably more for me, since her friends don’t read it, and I’m sure most of them don’t even know about her blog.
But I don’t really give a shit anymore. If that’s what she wants to think the reason is then I’m going to let her think that.
March 17th, 2008 3:52PM
…I would die if anything were to happen to her. Really, I would. Can’t she see how much I love her? Can’t she see how much she means to me? Can’t she see what my life would be life if she were gone from it?
So, obviously, I was a bit…over-dramatic with this one. I had just found out about something from Ness that scared me, worried me, but she didn’t want to talk about it. So she just told me and that was it. But this is also significant, because I can’t place that much value in someone else’s life over my own, no matter how important, beautiful, and special they are. Yes, I would be extremely hurt if Ness were no longer in my life, but I would survive. Well, hopefully. 
March 18th, 2008 2:23AM
No matter how hard I try, I can’t hate Ness. God knows that I’ve tried to. But hating her won’t take away the pain, it won’t stop the hurt, and it won’t keep me from thinking about her.
But not having her here hurts so much. Her not reaching out to me when I need her hurts. She says she loves me, but why doesn’t she show it?
Funny thing, I spent most of our relationship thinking I was showing her how much I loved her, but it wasn’t enough. And now, the situation is reversed. Karma is a bitch. But I can’t blame her. She has her own shit to deal with, and who am I to expect that of her?
I don’t just write about Ness, although there is a lot about her in there. I just wanted to make a point to say that that isn’t all I write about.
The other day, yesterday I believe, I found out something about Ness that didn’t really surprise me, but most certainly hurt me. I was telling Lisa last night how I could just stay in denial about it, and how I wanted to, but now that I think about it, I don’t want to be “spared” from whatever it is she’s hiding from me. I mean, I already know about it, I’m just waiting for her to tell me. But the question is, will she tell me? Probably not, at least not right now.
But I already know. So it doesn’t matter if she tells me or not. The truth is, is that I’ve suspected for awhile what was going on. Especially in the last couple of months of our relationship. She might not have acted on what she felt at the time, but she has now. Not that it matters because we aren’t together and she’s free to do whatever she wants.
Yes, it hurts, but finding out from anyone but her hurts even more.
And it sucks that I have to do it this way. This isn’t normally something I would post to my blog. But she seems intent on avoiding me, so I’ll let her have that. I’ve been nothing but open and honest with her since I’ve come back to New York. I’ve told her things that I wouldn’t have told her two months ago. And I’ve made it very clear that I want to be her friend. But that comes with a lot of hurt and pain because she’s going to move on, and I’m not so sure I want to. But I understand that and I know that it’ll happen.
But here’s the thing, if she can’t give me the courtesy of telling me what’s really going on, then I’m not so sure I even want her friendship. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m supposed to avoid emotional stress, because I think I’ve made it clear that I want her in my life, no matter what kind of stress or hurt that brings.
So, this is where I’m at with this. Either she tells me what’s going on, really going on, or I’ll move on, pretend that I’m okay like I’ve been doing, but I’ll do it without her. I have no room in my life for people who “spare” me or people who don’t tell me the truth because they think it’ll hurt me. Especially her. It’s probably not fair, but I hold her to a higher standard than I do most people.
I can understand why she doesn’t want a relationship with me, but don’t string me along and give me false hope when you know full well that there’s someone else who you want a relationship with, or want to date, or want to try a relationship with. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.
It just sucks that the last thing I’ll remember her for is ignoring me my last days in Cleveland, refusing to talk to me about anything, and for pretending she wants to be with me when she knows that she doesn’t. I would have been able to deal with it, just so you know.
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March 26, 2008
…don’t string me along and give me false hope when you know full well that there’s someone else who you want a relationship with, or want to date, or want to try a relationship with. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.
This one’s easy to say and very hard to do. Sometimes, when you’re in that phase of “I may not be in love with you anymore, but I still love you very, very much,” it’s nearly impossible to tell that person something he doesn’t want to hear. I’ve been in this situation before, and I know how painful it is to say “I don’t want to be with you anymore, [I want to be with someone else].” Sometimes the silence comes from a selfish place, but sometimes it comes from real love, of not wanting to hurt.
In retrospect, though I know why you want her to be completely honest with you about this, it’s not necessary and, to be frank, not required of her. You are no longer boyfriend & girlfriend, so she doesn’t need to tell you who she is with. She isn’t accountable to you. And, as I said, it’s possible that she simply doesn’t want to hurt you. It seems that she’s further along in the grieving-the-breakup phase, and waiting for you to catch up before telling you hurtful details may actually be one last act of sweetness, of love.
I don’t know your situation, and I know that you know the details that no one else does. But maybe, just maybe, instead of focusing on your anger, abandonment, and “fuck it” mentality, you can paint yourself a pretty picture (and force yourself to believe it), accept what’s happened, and begin to forgive? It may not be what you want to do, but it’s certainly healthier for you. And what you need to focus on right now is not your anger, but your health. We want you feeling better!
In closing, please don’t think I’m defending Ness, because I’m not. I’m loyal to you and if you want, I can hate her! But if that’s the case, let me carry your anger for you. You just focus on you and your present.
March 27, 2008
It’s hard for me to forgive her. We both did things wrong, but I don’t understand why she would think that I would lie to her about how sick I am. I didn’t even know I was sick. And then when I told her, she went out to a bar and dumped me. She had a message on her phone from the doctor, and just assumed that I heard it and was keeping it from her. Then we didn’t talk for almost two months. She talked more to her friends about this instead of confronting me about it. And I had to wait that long for my parents to get called by the doctor and for them to tell me.
It wouldn’t have changed anything though. I would still be in the same place I am right now. But at least I would have had her. But instead, I’m in New York, where my parents are telling everyone that I’m fine, that I just have high blood pressure. I’m dying and they tell everyone I have high blood pressure. I don’t get why they can’t just accept it. I know it’s hard, but I need them to accept it. I’ve lost everything I had. The least they can do is do this for me. I’m trying to be strong, but it’s hard to be strong when I have to pretend that I’m fine and not show anyone what’s happening to me.
I wish I wouldn’t be so angry about it all. I’ve tried not to. It’s so much easier to be angry than to feel hopeless, knowing that whatever can be done won’t fix what’s wrong with me, maybe give me more time, but it won’t take it away.
She knew she was going to dump me, as soon as she assumed that I was keeping my health situation from her. She had extra time to prepare. The same night I find out I’m sick, she dumps me. It’s all just a bit too much to handle right now. I try to focus on my health, but I can only push my pain away for so long before I have to deal with that too. And then when I do, I end up in the hospital. I’m supposed to be a robot, to have no emotions. To try and remain calm.
I just feel like I can only do so much to help myself. It would be such a huge help to me if I could feel like I wasn’t alone in all of this. I’m more angry at Ness for thinking I wouldn’t tell her about this, and for spending a night out at a bar when I told her I was sick, than for everything else. She says she supports me, that she’s got my back, and yea, that makes me feel a bit better. But I don’t need another phone buddy. I don’t need someone else to not be able to accept it.
And I don’t really care who she sees or what she does. That was never really the problem. Or the issue. The whole point was that she says she’s there, but she’s not. If all she can give me is silent support, be in my cheering section all the way at the back of the bleachers, than I don’t want it. That doesn’t make me feel any less alone. In fact, it really hurts.