Note: Listen to this while you read.

I’ve spent most of my life drifting and wasting day after day trying to find something that I thought was missing from my life. It turns out what I was looking for was in my possession all along, hidden away, waiting for me to discover the fact that I’m strong enough to accept circumstance, to accept the life I’ve been given, and waiting for me to figure out that I’m strong enough to face life and whatever gets thrown at me.

I’ve never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve; I’ve always kept my heart hidden away behind thick walls, hoping and praying that nobody would be able to break them down. I don’t know what You think of me now, I don’t know what You ever thought of me, but it was You that broke them down. It was because of You that I found who I really am. I know You struggle to believe me; I’ve given You plenty of reason to doubt me, but just know that the only thing I ever care whether You believe or not is this: I’ve never loved anyone more than I love You.

No matter what I say, I can’t change Your mind. I can accept that and I understand what happened. I know how You feel and I don’t hold it against You.

I’ve never been tormented this much. Everything I do, watch, listen, read, or write reminds me of You. Each moment that I think of You, my heart breaks more and more. I can’t imagine a life without You in it but that’s the kind of life that’s been given to me, and so I accept it.

I’ll always have the memories; the feeling that I felt when we first kissed, the moment I realized I was in love with You, laughing with You, holding Your hand, the elephant at the zoo, and so on. I keep replaying them in my mind, hoping that I can will us back together. But hope and will can only do so much.

The truth is, those memories will haunt me. I don’t deserve them, I never did, and that would mean that I never deserved You. I never did anything that would allow me to deserve You. More than anything, it’s not You that will haunt me, but knowing that I can never be with You to show You what You really mean to me.

It only serves me right that the moment I needed You the most was when we were over. I never thought that a person could change so much in so little time, but I’m not the same person that I was even two weeks ago. I’m not the same person You think I am or remember. I won’t ever be that person again. I’m sorry You won’t be able to meet me and that You will only remember me as I was.

I’m not searching anymore. I don’t need to. I found whatever it was I was searching for in myself and in You. My last breath on this Earth will be for You. Everything I do until then is because of You. I’ve never been more certain of anything, ever. I’ll live the best life I can given the circumstances, with or without you. I won’t waste a moment of it.

So, this isn’t a goodbye. It’s a blessing. I hope that no matter what comes Your way You realize that there’s someone out there who loves You that much, who values You, and who would give his last breath for You. No matter where life brings us, together or separately, all You have to do is ask and I’ll be there.