I don’t think there’s anyone that knows the amount of pain or hurt that I’ve faced because of my parents inability to accept things they cannot change, show their love, deal with their own problems and anger, and forgive. I know I’ve hurt my parents as well, which is why it’s taken me so long to want to have a relationship with them.

There’s a difference between realizing what needs to change and actually changing it. I realize that I want to have a relationship with my parents, but there’s no way in hell that I’m ready for it. The only reason I’m doing it now is because I was pushed and I don’t have a choice. But I’m not ready. I envy people who have great relationships with their parents. I wish that I could have had that from the beginning, but that’s not how it happened and I can’t change it.

I think my parents learned a lot raising me. I was their first kid, so by the time the other three came around, they had time to realize their mistakes and not do the same to my sisters. My two youngest sisters are amazing. They really are. Their capacity to love, to be open, to accept people is amazing. And I don’t understand it because my parents are the exact opposite, at least to me.

I’ve always been a cautious person. I didn’t want to get hurt again like my parents had hurt me in the past. When I get hurt, I usually don’t let whoever hurt me anywhere near enough to hurt me again. What makes my parents different? They’re my parents. My grandpa has a lot to do with that. We’re a huge Italian family and we have roots in the mafia. The one thing that my grandpa keeps repeating is the importance of family. Friends will come and go, significant others will come and go, but the one thing that will always be there is family.

I look at my grandpa. Out of all the people that have been in and out of my life, he’s always been there. When I had issues with my parents, when I made mistakes and fucked up, he never pushed me away. He’s always seen something in me, and I’ve never been able to see it myself, but his belief in me is the only reason I made it through so many tough times. The sacrifices he’s made, the amount of support he’s given everyone in my family, is amazing and makes me realize that I want to be like him, even if I won’t ever be able to completely fill his shoes, I want to try.

The one thing I loved, and still love, about Ness is her love for her family. And being with her, seeing her with my family, seeing her interactions with her family, made me want to try to have that with my family. And the great thing about not living with my family is that I can take small steps, small steps that I need to take. I’m not ready to leap into a relationship with my parents. I haven’t faced all of my demons with them.

What I’m trying to say is, is that being pushed to have a relationship with my family is the equivalent of throwing someone who doesn’t know how to swim into an ocean, without a life jacket. I’m not ready, but because I now live with them, I have to do it now. My parents aren’t ready to accept who I really am. I see it in their eyes everyday. They’re just waiting for me to shock the shit out of them again. They keep me at a distance, because they can see in my eyes that the person they think I am doesn’t really exist. The only reason I haven’t said anything to them yet, is because I know that what happened last time will happen again this time. It’s too soon. My parents and I aren’t ready for that huge leap. That’s not to say that I won’t try.

Like I said before, I can’t do this as someone else. So they need to know where I stand. But what’s going to happen when we’re not ready for this? I know it’s not going to help, and it’ll probably make things a bit tougher, if not impossible.

The only reason I’m doing this now is because I don’t have anyone else. Yea, I have my friends, and everyone at 9rules has been great about all this, but I don’t have anyone here. I can’t cry on anyone’s shoulder. I have to cry all by myself. My parents are in fucking denial about how sick I am, and they’ve downplayed it to everyone in my family. Mostly because I think they don’t want my grandparents to worry. My grandma is sick and they don’t want to upset her. So who the hell do I turn to? Lisa and Mandy have been wonderful. They’ve listened to me and they’ve been there. They’ve been the optimists for me because it’s almost impossible for me to be optimistic about anything. So I’m very happy that they’re in my life. I don’t want to sound like I don’t appreciate all that they’ve done for me, because I do.

But even though I live with my parents now, I’m still alone. Between our issues and their denial, they’ve effectively made me want to crawl into a fucking corner and never come out. It’s very hard for me to show any sort of emotion around them. I don’t want to be vulnerable with them yet. I’m not ready for that. So I walk around hoping and praying that I won’t cry in front of them. And I can’t look them in the eye, because I can’t let them see how much I’m hurting. I’m a zombie. And I wish that I could let them in just like that, but it’s not that easy. I wish that it was because I’m dying to have someone here. To have someone to turn to.

When I called my mom and asked her to come and pick me up from Cleveland, I cried. I couldn’t hide my pain then. She didn’t offer comforting words. She didn’t tell me it would be ok. She didn’t give me any advice. But they came and picked me up, so that’s a start. But we aren’t ready to face all these demons at once, and we aren’t ready to face the truth, but I have to try now. Because that’s all I can do right now.