I’ve spent most of my life running; running from the past, running towards something I thought would be better, running away from problems that I should have dealt with, and running from the people I should have embraced. I’ve broken a lot of promises, I’ve spoken more empty words than should have ever crossed my lips, and I’ve been in denial.

I have no excuses for the things that I’ve done in the past. I take full responsibility. It’s not easy for me to admit my mistakes because I’m usually too busy being selfish. I’ve done some pretty awful, pathetic things in my past. But that’s just what it is. I can’t change what I did. I can’t go back and redo everything. I can’t wipe my slate clean and start over.  And I don’t want to. The things I’ve done, the things that have happened to me, have all contributed to who I am. Even though there are some things about me that I wish I could change, I know that at my core, I’m a fairly good person.

I don’t want to forget my past, as much as I tried to, I realize that forgetting it won’t change it. I’m not asking forgiveness from the people I’ve hurt, but I have to forgive myself. My past has been weighing me down for far too long. I’ve been holding myself back because of it and haven’t been able to grow as a person. I’m letting go of it. From this point forward, the things I’ve done aren’t going to hold me back any longer.

This also brings up my past relationships. Not just with significant others, but with my parents, my sisters, the rest of my family, and my friends. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in these relationships. I’ve fucked up, plain and simple.

My parents, sisters, and the rest of my family, don’t know me. I pushed them away a very long time ago. With respect to my relationship with my parents, we’ve all made mistakes. My parents don’t deserve complete blame, but for that matter, neither do I. This isn’t the place to get into most of it. Talking about it here won’t change anything. The one thing that I’ve realized since I’ve been back in NY is that no matter what I choose to do from now on, I need to do it as me and not as the person my parents want or think I should be.

I gave up trying to be “Jess” a long time ago. I’m not sure I was ever really that person. It might have been, and still is, my legal name, but I was never that person. Some people didn’t understand why I would change my name. The only way I can explain that is that I was never that person and in order for me to move forward and to be happy, I needed to accept that I was never that person. Sure, it’s just a name, but it ties me to the person my parents want me to be, not the person that I am.

A lot of my problems and issues stem from things that have happened between my parents and myself. I’m not blaming them. What happened, happened. What I did to try to “protect” myself was just something that happened. I can’t go through life thinking that I can prevent pain or being hurt. It’s not possible, no matter how hard I try. Hiding behind a curtain, building up walls, these are all things I’ve done to prevent being hurt.

I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m changing rapidly, evolving, and I’m not sure if I’m changing for the better or worse right now, but I know that I’m changing. I’m not even the same person that I was two weeks ago. Most of that is because I’m sick. I can’t sit on my ass waiting for things to happen anymore. I need to go out and do things. I don’t have any time to waste. Every breath I take is a gift. I don’t want to die knowing that I could have changed, become a better person, and did nothing about it. I don’t want to leave and not try to fix things.

One of the things that needs to be changed is that I need to be more honest with my parents. The last time I had a serious conversation with my parents was when I told them that I was trans.  That didn’t go very well. It was a defining moment in my life. Up until that point, I hadn’t had a close relationship with my parents. In fact, I barely talked to them. The only way that things with my parents can ever be fixed, is to begin a conversation; an open communication between them and myself.

More on this later because for some reason, I’m in a good mood, which came out of nowhere and I don’t want to ruin it.