As Lisa recently wrote, we talked last week about how there isn’t a single person who knows everything about us. It’s not so much that I’m afraid one person, or a few, will hurt me. I’m more afraid of the fact that eventually, I’ll be the one to fuck up. I’ll be the one to push away. Very rarely do I ever pull people in. I’m a pusher.
Thinking about everyone that’s ever known me, or knows me now, I realize that no one knows me. I don’t even think that I know myself. I sabotage every relationship I have…eventually. And the only person to blame for that is myself. Even if the other party involved made mistakes too, the blame is on me. Would they have made those mistakes if I had been open with them? If I hadn’t been scared, and I told them what I was feeling and thinking, would they have made those mistakes? Probably not.
Some people might see this as kind of hypocritical. There are certain things that I’m very open about, like the fact that I’m transgender. But other than that, I’m not open about anything else. Yes, I talk to Lisa about things, yes I talk to Mandy about things, and I talked to Ness about things. But I was only scratching the surface of my issues, problems, and even the joys.
I neatly filed away the rest of my feelings and thoughts in a part of me brain labeled “Confidential: Do Not Touch.” Some of the things in there have been buried for years and years. Things that I would rather forget. But it’s hard to forget something that you try so hard to avoid. It’s always going to be there somewhere, deeply packed in that part of my brain.
Embarrassing moments, moments of tremendous pain, moments of joy that turned into pain…it’s all there, all beckoning and waiting for me to open it up. Facing my past was always something I was never ready to do and something I feared doing. But in order for me to move on from it all, I need to face what happened. I need to deal with it, instead of pushing it all back in a filing cabinet.
I want to be able to give myself to someone. Completely. And I certainly can’t do it when I shut out huge parts of my life. I can’t change the past. I can’t fix the mistakes I’ve made. I can’t do anything but analyze, accept it all, and move on.
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March 10, 2008
I’m in a relationship where you could say I’ve given myself completely. In so many ways, it’s amazing. There’s an intimacy and connection unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. However, there’s something to be said for protecting yourself. I am in no way condoning pushing people away, but I’m not necessarily someone who trusts easily either. I’m not totally sure where I was going with this any more. But I guess it’s good to protect yourself, but to an extent. I think you’re amazing and you truly deserve a relationship built on trust and the intimacy that follows. This comment is really long.
March 10, 2008
It’s impossible to share with someone else the things that you won’t even let yourself confront. I don’t know if the point of this post is to say “I want and wish that someone could know me completely,” but if it is, then I think the first step would be to start opening up those locked places and letting the demons come out to play.
Not too long ago, I had been hurt badly by a relationship and closed up. I spent more than a year and a half by myself, digging in and dealing with all the crap that I was so afraid to even look at… and it helped. I don’t know if that’s what you need, but I do know that you won’t ever be able to open up to someone if you won’t even open up to yourself. So I’d say to start with that, start by trusting yourself. Write in a journal, or just deal with it internally, but talk to yourself, let yourself cry and scream and mourn and feel. And then, someday, it won’t be as scary to share all that someone else. Or that’s the theory, at least!
March 10, 2008
Mandy: I think what I’m starting to realize is that I shouldn’t have to protect myself, especially from my friends or from someone I’m in a relationship with. If I consider someone my friend, or more, and they feel the same for me, then why hide my mistakes and my past? Shouldn’t they love me whether or not I’ve done certain things? If they don’t, then they don’t deserve my friendship anyway.
Erin: My point is, is that the person that I want to share all of me with, to know me completely, doesn’t. That also goes with all of my friends. But, again, like you’ve said, it’s because I’ve put those things aside. But now that I realize that what I’ve been doing has been hurting not only myself, but the people that I care about, I can start to fix it.
March 10, 2008
I love you no matter what, you know that, right?
March 10, 2008
Mandy: I know that