I called the doctor today, the one that saw me in the ER. They got the results back from my chest x-ray and told me that I needed to get a CT Scan on my chest. They told me that the X-ray showed that my heart was “extremely enlarged” and that there was an “abnormality” in my left shoulder area. The doctor also said I needed to get a cardiologist because there is a good chance that I might have heart disease.

I have to go back to Cleveland sometime this week for my CT scan. I spent the rest of the day scrambling around, calling everyone I could to find out if I could get health insurance. My dad called his doctor, whom I’ve known since I was a kid. He used to be my doctor and I went to school with his kids.

I’m hoping that there’s just some freak reason for my heart being enlarged. I’ve only known two people with heart disease, both of which died. It’s kind of hard to believe, but then again, it’s not. I’ve treated my body like shit, but I’m too young to have heart disease. Aren’t I?

I’m scared out of my mind. What the hell do I do? I’m trying really hard not to freak out. I mean, it might not be heart disease; the doctor only said it could be.

I know it’s treatable. There are medications. Just my luck I’ll be allergic to them. Pace makers, ICD’s, surgeries and if it’s really bad I could get a heart transplant.

I don’t really know what to do or where to go from here. I’m going to get the CT Scan in Cleveland and keep trying to get health insurance. If I have to, I’ll just go into huge amounts of debt to figure it out.

I always believed that I wouldn’t live that long. Even when I was a kid I believed that. It’s not that I wanted to die, because that’s the last thing I want to do, especially right now. I have so much left to do, so much to figure out still. And to be completely honest, I’m scared shitless of dying. I know that I can be a better person, I just need time to figure it all out. I don’t want to leave behind all the things I’ve done so far. I know I haven’t reached my full potential and I know that deep down somewhere there’s something amazing waiting to come out of me.

I’m not perfect. I’m far from that. I have made some ridiculously stupid mistakes, and I’ve made a couple of stupendously stupid mistakes. But I know that those mistakes don’t define me.

I’m setting myself up here. What if it’s not that bad? What if there really is a weird explanation for my enlarged heart? I wish I could say that I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst, but to be honest, at the moment, I’m just panicking. I’m spiraling.

A huge part of me just wants to run the hell away from everything. Go do something I’ve never done and forget all this and if I really am that sick, just let it happen and take it’s course. It’s a bit sad that I only start thinking about all the things I want to do when I’m faced with the possibility of death. And then when I’m better, all that hope and all those dreams just get put on the back burner. I’ve been given so many chances at life and I’ve just fucked them all up. What if this is the last chance that I get? What if I’m out of chances? What if…what if…what if…

So this insurance thing…I kept getting told that I would get an application in the mail and then I would find out. New York has this program called Family Health Plus. I’m hoping I can get that because it seems like my best shot at the moment. I can’t keep freaking out like this; about insurance and not being able to afford it. I just need to do it and get better.

I’ve lived a life full of fear, holding back on things I’ve wanted to do because I was afraid that I would fail at them. I’m tired of that. What kind of life is that?