I’ve been blessed to have a lot of great things in my life and a lot of great people. I’ve also had some not so great things in my life, but that doesn’t really matter right now.

When I was in the hospital they ran some tests to see what the hell was wrong with me. I wanted to get the hell out so I left sooner than I should, even though the doctor said it was ok. I shouldn’t have though, but I was scared out of my mind.

Apparently since then they were trying to get ahold of me. It doesn’t matter now.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen now. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t live in Cleveland anymore, so…I guess that means I’m screwed. In this part of New York, there really aren’t any options for people like me when it comes to helping out with medical bills. Either you have insurance or you don’t. Getting insurance is ridiculous, especially if you have pre-exisiting conditions like myself.

What scares me the most is the fact that I feel like I’m going crazy. Or I’m becoming stupid or dumb. For awhile now I have been having a problem processing certain things. More than a few times I’ve been driving and a street light will turn yellow. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what to do. I’ve been forgetting things like that. Or…I forget words. Last night I was trying to remember what a scale was. But I couldn’t remember. I’ve been reading slower because if I read fast I get confused by the simplest words. When I talk, I talk slower to make sure I know what I’m going to say. If I don’t, then I pause and have to stop and think of the word I’m trying to find.

This morning I woke up and my vision was blurry. I thought it was my glasses, so I cleaned them. But it wasn’t. I’ve been getting headaches everyday. Sometimes I start to twitch, especially my hands, and I can’t stop the twitching. Sometimes it comes out as a constant shake.

I’ve been distant the past couple of months. I’ve been aloof and nervous. I’ve been angry for no reason.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling.

For now, I’m just going to hope it doesn’t get worse.

I’m sorry I’m vague. I can’t process all these thoughts right now, whether it’s because there are too many or because I just can’t process it or make a connection. That’s been happening a lot lately.