My mistake
There’s a time and a place for me to air my dirty laundry, my thoughts, and my reservations. Sometimes, a blog isn’t always the right place to do that. My post yesterday should never have been posted, at least not everything that was in there.
Both Ness and Erin were right. It’s none of my business what Ness does, who she sees, or who she likes. To be honest, I never really wanted to know anyway. I should have just dropped it. Tried to forget it. Or never cared about it. But that really wasn’t the whole point of what I wrote. It was never about that. Sure, I was angry and hurt by it, but she can do whatever she wants now. Just like I can. But that doesn’t give me the right to flaunt it around or to rub it in her face.
Getting back to what I thought I was saying in my post. What I intended to try to say was that we weren’t communicating. But that has been a problem of ours for awhile, so I don’t know why I thought that it would change automagically. I never expected it to either.
One of my biggest flaws has always been forgetting to look at the bigger picture. Sure, I sometimes have that ability, but for the most part, I rush into things. Some people might say that that is what a hopeless romantic is, but no, it’s just foolish. That’s what happened between Ness and I when we first started our relationship. We never dated and we never took it slow, even if that’s what I wanted to do. So, by the time my vacation in Cleveland turned into a permanent living situation, it was painfully obvious that we didn’t really know each other. At least it’s painfully obvious now.
But we were both content to look to the future, instead of dealing with what was going on in the present. I talked recently about how nobody really knows me. It’s important to bring up again. There are a lot of things that I’m not comfortable discussing with people. No matter how much I wanted to tell Ness these things, I was never ready to do it. I had pushed them aside for so long and had never dealt with them myself. That should have been a red flag to me, but I thought that we had time, and eventually, I’d be ready to talk about them. But time is a funny, fickle thing. I always took it for granted. I thought that I had plenty of it. Little did I realize that I was quite mistaken.
Neither of us deserve to carry complete blame or fault in this situation. However, I admit, that I did way more wrong than she did. But arguing over that is pointless. We could fight for hours over who’s fault it was, who did what wrong, or who fucked up the most. But what it all comes down to is that neither of us ever really cared enough to talk it through. Or we both took time for granted.
I’m the kind of person who likes to plan, but I only plan so much. Yes, I want to marry Ness, but I never thought that we’d be in a situation like we are now. I just hoped that things would work out on their own. Which seems kind of silly now, because that’s not how things work. By the time I realized all of this, I was already back in New York, I already had my death warrant, and it was too late.
Which brings me to what’s going on now. Again, lack of communication is what’s the major cause of all of this. But also, my selfishness is to blame here. Sure, I’m changing, growing, becoming a better person, or at least I hope. But I’m still very selfish. I’ve been so concerned about me that I have put Ness’ needs and issues on hold, or pushed them aside. So I’ve been so concerned about her being my friend, that I never stopped to think how good of a friend I’m being to her. Which, I admit. Hasn’t been very good.
Here’s the thing though. And no, this isn’t an excuse. Or an explanation. It’s hard to be a friend when we don’t communicate truthfully to each other. It’s also hard to be a friend when I’m too busy being selfish. I always say that I need to talk to her, but I hardly ever stopped to ask her if she needed to talk. So I’ve been a horrible friend.
So she has every right to call me an asshole and to tell me to fuck off. And by the way, she did. Numerous times. But that’s okay, because she’s right.
So my new goal. While I’m so concerned about finding the new me, trying to deal with everything, changing, I should work on being less selfish. I can’t help anyone, including myself, if I’m so concerned with me. Yes, I need to focus on myself, but there’s a time and a place to do that, and when a friend needs you, that’s not the time to be selfish.
So no, I don’t expect Ness to want to be my friend. In fact, she said she didn’t want to be anymore. I understand that. And I’m okay with that. I don’t deserve another chance. I shouldn’t have aired out her business on my blog. It’s no longer our business. It’s hers. Realizing that we aren’t Ness and Josh anymore is hard, confusing, and seems unnatural. But, that’s just how it is now.
It’s a delicate situation…
Post Track: Damien Rice - The Blower’s Daughter (Open in a new window or tab)
Since I’ve been back in New York I’ve been doing a great job of not ignoring my issues, problems, and feelings. To help me in the task of confronting everything, I’ve been keeping a notebook in my back pocket, carrying it with me everywhere, and writing in it. About a week ago, maybe two, I had this idea of creating a new blog, and anonymous blog, so that I could write freely online. But the last thing I need is another mask in my life.
My parents have told everyone in my family that I have high blood pressure. Now, that couldn’t be further from the truth, but I can see why they won’t tell them the truth. My grandparents would worry, my sisters birthday is coming up and I don’t want to ruin it for her since she’s turning 16, and well, I don’t think they’ve accepted it yet. Then I wonder where I get my lack of openness and willingness to change. It’s still no excuse though. My family should know what’s going on, and if my parents can’t be strong enough to tell them, I’m going to have to be.
So, getting back to the mask of which I wear most of the time. I used to think that it was easy to wear it, to hide things, to disregard my feelings, and to push things (events, emotions, and people) away. I was told that I needed to avoid emotional stress, but I just laughed at that. Most of my life I’ve been avoiding it, trying to think it would help me in some way, but I can’t do that now, even if I need to, or I’m supposed to.
I’ve spent my entire life avoiding emotions and feelings. I’m not going to do that with the rest of my life, no matter how much or how little is left. So that brings me to my notebook, because in the past few weeks it’s become more than a notebook. It’s become my best friend, and I think that I’ve become my best friend. I don’t hide from anything anymore, and I confront things. I have normal, emotional reactions, instead of pretending and trying my hardest to be a rock. I am not a rock, I’m a person, and I feel things, and despite what I used to think, I’m strong enough to face them.
Here are a few excerpts from my notebook, followed by my thoughts now, and this will ultimately culminate to the whole point of this post.
March 15th, 2008 4:31PM
If she’s so concerned about being selfish, then what the fuck is she doing now while I’m here, pretending to be someone I’m not, in pain, scared as hell, dying? Can’t she see that, above anyone else, I need her? I just need her. If she were trying to be selfless, she totally fucked up on that end. So fuck that. Just fuck it.
Obviously I was angry when I wrote this, and I still am angry about it. That’s not why she broke up with me, no matter what she tries to convince herself, or her friends, or whoever she wrote her post for. It was probably more for me, since her friends don’t read it, and I’m sure most of them don’t even know about her blog.
But I don’t really give a shit anymore. If that’s what she wants to think the reason is then I’m going to let her think that.
March 17th, 2008 3:52PM
…I would die if anything were to happen to her. Really, I would. Can’t she see how much I love her? Can’t she see how much she means to me? Can’t she see what my life would be life if she were gone from it?
So, obviously, I was a bit…over-dramatic with this one. I had just found out about something from Ness that scared me, worried me, but she didn’t want to talk about it. So she just told me and that was it. But this is also significant, because I can’t place that much value in someone else’s life over my own, no matter how important, beautiful, and special they are. Yes, I would be extremely hurt if Ness were no longer in my life, but I would survive. Well, hopefully. 
March 18th, 2008 2:23AM
No matter how hard I try, I can’t hate Ness. God knows that I’ve tried to. But hating her won’t take away the pain, it won’t stop the hurt, and it won’t keep me from thinking about her.
But not having her here hurts so much. Her not reaching out to me when I need her hurts. She says she loves me, but why doesn’t she show it?
Funny thing, I spent most of our relationship thinking I was showing her how much I loved her, but it wasn’t enough. And now, the situation is reversed. Karma is a bitch. But I can’t blame her. She has her own shit to deal with, and who am I to expect that of her?
I don’t just write about Ness, although there is a lot about her in there. I just wanted to make a point to say that that isn’t all I write about.
The other day, yesterday I believe, I found out something about Ness that didn’t really surprise me, but most certainly hurt me. I was telling Lisa last night how I could just stay in denial about it, and how I wanted to, but now that I think about it, I don’t want to be “spared” from whatever it is she’s hiding from me. I mean, I already know about it, I’m just waiting for her to tell me. But the question is, will she tell me? Probably not, at least not right now.
But I already know. So it doesn’t matter if she tells me or not. The truth is, is that I’ve suspected for awhile what was going on. Especially in the last couple of months of our relationship. She might not have acted on what she felt at the time, but she has now. Not that it matters because we aren’t together and she’s free to do whatever she wants.
Yes, it hurts, but finding out from anyone but her hurts even more.
And it sucks that I have to do it this way. This isn’t normally something I would post to my blog. But she seems intent on avoiding me, so I’ll let her have that. I’ve been nothing but open and honest with her since I’ve come back to New York. I’ve told her things that I wouldn’t have told her two months ago. And I’ve made it very clear that I want to be her friend. But that comes with a lot of hurt and pain because she’s going to move on, and I’m not so sure I want to. But I understand that and I know that it’ll happen.
But here’s the thing, if she can’t give me the courtesy of telling me what’s really going on, then I’m not so sure I even want her friendship. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’m supposed to avoid emotional stress, because I think I’ve made it clear that I want her in my life, no matter what kind of stress or hurt that brings.
So, this is where I’m at with this. Either she tells me what’s going on, really going on, or I’ll move on, pretend that I’m okay like I’ve been doing, but I’ll do it without her. I have no room in my life for people who “spare” me or people who don’t tell me the truth because they think it’ll hurt me. Especially her. It’s probably not fair, but I hold her to a higher standard than I do most people.
I can understand why she doesn’t want a relationship with me, but don’t string me along and give me false hope when you know full well that there’s someone else who you want a relationship with, or want to date, or want to try a relationship with. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.
It just sucks that the last thing I’ll remember her for is ignoring me my last days in Cleveland, refusing to talk to me about anything, and for pretending she wants to be with me when she knows that she doesn’t. I would have been able to deal with it, just so you know.
As You Wish
Note: Listen to this while you read.
I’ve spent most of my life drifting and wasting day after day trying to find something that I thought was missing from my life. It turns out what I was looking for was in my possession all along, hidden away, waiting for me to discover the fact that I’m strong enough to accept circumstance, to accept the life I’ve been given, and waiting for me to figure out that I’m strong enough to face life and whatever gets thrown at me.
I’ve never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve; I’ve always kept my heart hidden away behind thick walls, hoping and praying that nobody would be able to break them down. I don’t know what You think of me now, I don’t know what You ever thought of me, but it was You that broke them down. It was because of You that I found who I really am. I know You struggle to believe me; I’ve given You plenty of reason to doubt me, but just know that the only thing I ever care whether You believe or not is this: I’ve never loved anyone more than I love You.
No matter what I say, I can’t change Your mind. I can accept that and I understand what happened. I know how You feel and I don’t hold it against You.
I’ve never been tormented this much. Everything I do, watch, listen, read, or write reminds me of You. Each moment that I think of You, my heart breaks more and more. I can’t imagine a life without You in it but that’s the kind of life that’s been given to me, and so I accept it.
I’ll always have the memories; the feeling that I felt when we first kissed, the moment I realized I was in love with You, laughing with You, holding Your hand, the elephant at the zoo, and so on. I keep replaying them in my mind, hoping that I can will us back together. But hope and will can only do so much.
The truth is, those memories will haunt me. I don’t deserve them, I never did, and that would mean that I never deserved You. I never did anything that would allow me to deserve You. More than anything, it’s not You that will haunt me, but knowing that I can never be with You to show You what You really mean to me.
It only serves me right that the moment I needed You the most was when we were over. I never thought that a person could change so much in so little time, but I’m not the same person that I was even two weeks ago. I’m not the same person You think I am or remember. I won’t ever be that person again. I’m sorry You won’t be able to meet me and that You will only remember me as I was.
I’m not searching anymore. I don’t need to. I found whatever it was I was searching for in myself and in You. My last breath on this Earth will be for You. Everything I do until then is because of You. I’ve never been more certain of anything, ever. I’ll live the best life I can given the circumstances, with or without you. I won’t waste a moment of it.
So, this isn’t a goodbye. It’s a blessing. I hope that no matter what comes Your way You realize that there’s someone out there who loves You that much, who values You, and who would give his last breath for You. No matter where life brings us, together or separately, all You have to do is ask and I’ll be there.
My sisters are both smart and a pervert
There’s an eight year difference between myself and Andrea. Sometimes I don’t realize how big of a difference that really is. For example, I make reference to an 80’s song or movie and Andrea looks at me with a blank stare. Although, she is getting better because I am a good influence.
But it always amazes me how fast my sisters seem to grow up. I leave for a year and I know longer know who they are. Getting to know them again is weird but it’s also a fun filled adventure. For the longest time I always had the notion that I would be the brother who would demand that my younger sisters couldn’t date until they were 30. I was also the brother who decided that whenever one of my sisters would bring one of their boyfriends around, I’d be sure to show him the shotgun, the shovel, a very sharp knife, and the woods in my back yard.
I’ve always tried to be protective of the people that I care about. Sometimes that doesn’t always work out, because well, my idea of protection is them not getting hurt, or not worrying them, or not freaking them out. And there are times that that is going to have to happen, like with my recent situation. That’s what I wanted to achieve by giving their boyfriends “the talk.”
However, I recently met Nicole’s new boyfriend (she’s had at least five boyfriends since the beginning of this year) and I realized that while she may be young, she’s not an idiot. She can protect herself, within limits of course. She’s only 13 and ready for only so much responsibility. I’d hate to see how she would act if she had been in my shoes at that age, or even my other sister Stephanie. We didn’t do so hot. But it’s clear that Nicole has a good head on her shoulders and knows what she wants, and what she doesn’t.
I don’t think Andrea has ever had a boyfriend. She seems to fall in like with guys that aren’t available. Plus the fact that they are usually older, so that makes me a bit wary about them. But again, she’s got a good head on her shoulders.
Now, I’m a pervert. My mom is a pervert. I swear I inherited my pervertedness from my mom. But my pervertedness is absolutely nothing compared to Nicole’s and Andrea’s. Sometimes it’s frightening how perverted they are.
Today, Andrea went to church. One of the readings said something along the lines of “when the cock crows three times…” and she had no idea what that meant. Well, to be honest, she just thought of something other than what it really was. Obviously, “cock” here means rooster, but Andrea almost busted out laughing in the middle of mass because she thought that “cock” meant penis. Speaking of penis, she can’t say vagina or penis without laughing hysterically. I was so over that whole phase by the time I was 16.
My sisters can literally turn anything anyone says into something perverted. That’s all they seem to talk about. That, and the fact that I taught them a new Spanish swear word thanks to Ness.
I accidentally let it slip when Nicole’s boyfriend was here and he thought it would be funny to say it to his Spanish teacher. Not such a good idea…
Andrea’s on the verge of being 16. Her birthday is two weeks away. She’s studying for her learner’s permit as I type. I let her steer the car when I went to pick her up from Confirmation class today. She’s a lot better of a driver (so far) than Stephanie.
She asked me the other day if Ness was going to come down for her birthday still. Apparently she likes Ness more than she likes me. Go figure. But I told her that she probably wouldn’t. Ness and I aren’t together anymore and that it’s not a good idea if we see each other right now. But she considers Ness a friend. I didn’t even know that. But then again, she can talk to Ness about stuff that she can’t talk to me about, or my parents. Ness is like the coolest older sister ever, and I’m the brother trapped in a sister’s body and that’s kind of awkward. She just wanted Ness to take her out for a drive when she got her permit. And I’m chopped liver.
I’m doing it, but I’m not ready
I don’t think there’s anyone that knows the amount of pain or hurt that I’ve faced because of my parents inability to accept things they cannot change, show their love, deal with their own problems and anger, and forgive. I know I’ve hurt my parents as well, which is why it’s taken me so long to want to have a relationship with them.
There’s a difference between realizing what needs to change and actually changing it. I realize that I want to have a relationship with my parents, but there’s no way in hell that I’m ready for it. The only reason I’m doing it now is because I was pushed and I don’t have a choice. But I’m not ready. I envy people who have great relationships with their parents. I wish that I could have had that from the beginning, but that’s not how it happened and I can’t change it.
I think my parents learned a lot raising me. I was their first kid, so by the time the other three came around, they had time to realize their mistakes and not do the same to my sisters. My two youngest sisters are amazing. They really are. Their capacity to love, to be open, to accept people is amazing. And I don’t understand it because my parents are the exact opposite, at least to me.
I’ve always been a cautious person. I didn’t want to get hurt again like my parents had hurt me in the past. When I get hurt, I usually don’t let whoever hurt me anywhere near enough to hurt me again. What makes my parents different? They’re my parents. My grandpa has a lot to do with that. We’re a huge Italian family and we have roots in the mafia. The one thing that my grandpa keeps repeating is the importance of family. Friends will come and go, significant others will come and go, but the one thing that will always be there is family.
I look at my grandpa. Out of all the people that have been in and out of my life, he’s always been there. When I had issues with my parents, when I made mistakes and fucked up, he never pushed me away. He’s always seen something in me, and I’ve never been able to see it myself, but his belief in me is the only reason I made it through so many tough times. The sacrifices he’s made, the amount of support he’s given everyone in my family, is amazing and makes me realize that I want to be like him, even if I won’t ever be able to completely fill his shoes, I want to try.
The one thing I loved, and still love, about Ness is her love for her family. And being with her, seeing her with my family, seeing her interactions with her family, made me want to try to have that with my family. And the great thing about not living with my family is that I can take small steps, small steps that I need to take. I’m not ready to leap into a relationship with my parents. I haven’t faced all of my demons with them.
What I’m trying to say is, is that being pushed to have a relationship with my family is the equivalent of throwing someone who doesn’t know how to swim into an ocean, without a life jacket. I’m not ready, but because I now live with them, I have to do it now. My parents aren’t ready to accept who I really am. I see it in their eyes everyday. They’re just waiting for me to shock the shit out of them again. They keep me at a distance, because they can see in my eyes that the person they think I am doesn’t really exist. The only reason I haven’t said anything to them yet, is because I know that what happened last time will happen again this time. It’s too soon. My parents and I aren’t ready for that huge leap. That’s not to say that I won’t try.
Like I said before, I can’t do this as someone else. So they need to know where I stand. But what’s going to happen when we’re not ready for this? I know it’s not going to help, and it’ll probably make things a bit tougher, if not impossible.
The only reason I’m doing this now is because I don’t have anyone else. Yea, I have my friends, and everyone at 9rules has been great about all this, but I don’t have anyone here. I can’t cry on anyone’s shoulder. I have to cry all by myself. My parents are in fucking denial about how sick I am, and they’ve downplayed it to everyone in my family. Mostly because I think they don’t want my grandparents to worry. My grandma is sick and they don’t want to upset her. So who the hell do I turn to? Lisa and Mandy have been wonderful. They’ve listened to me and they’ve been there. They’ve been the optimists for me because it’s almost impossible for me to be optimistic about anything. So I’m very happy that they’re in my life. I don’t want to sound like I don’t appreciate all that they’ve done for me, because I do.
But even though I live with my parents now, I’m still alone. Between our issues and their denial, they’ve effectively made me want to crawl into a fucking corner and never come out. It’s very hard for me to show any sort of emotion around them. I don’t want to be vulnerable with them yet. I’m not ready for that. So I walk around hoping and praying that I won’t cry in front of them. And I can’t look them in the eye, because I can’t let them see how much I’m hurting. I’m a zombie. And I wish that I could let them in just like that, but it’s not that easy. I wish that it was because I’m dying to have someone here. To have someone to turn to.
When I called my mom and asked her to come and pick me up from Cleveland, I cried. I couldn’t hide my pain then. She didn’t offer comforting words. She didn’t tell me it would be ok. She didn’t give me any advice. But they came and picked me up, so that’s a start. But we aren’t ready to face all these demons at once, and we aren’t ready to face the truth, but I have to try now. Because that’s all I can do right now.
Only myself to blame
I’ve spent most of my life running; running from the past, running towards something I thought would be better, running away from problems that I should have dealt with, and running from the people I should have embraced. I’ve broken a lot of promises, I’ve spoken more empty words than should have ever crossed my lips, and I’ve been in denial.
I have no excuses for the things that I’ve done in the past. I take full responsibility. It’s not easy for me to admit my mistakes because I’m usually too busy being selfish. I’ve done some pretty awful, pathetic things in my past. But that’s just what it is. I can’t change what I did. I can’t go back and redo everything. I can’t wipe my slate clean and start over. And I don’t want to. The things I’ve done, the things that have happened to me, have all contributed to who I am. Even though there are some things about me that I wish I could change, I know that at my core, I’m a fairly good person.
I don’t want to forget my past, as much as I tried to, I realize that forgetting it won’t change it. I’m not asking forgiveness from the people I’ve hurt, but I have to forgive myself. My past has been weighing me down for far too long. I’ve been holding myself back because of it and haven’t been able to grow as a person. I’m letting go of it. From this point forward, the things I’ve done aren’t going to hold me back any longer.
This also brings up my past relationships. Not just with significant others, but with my parents, my sisters, the rest of my family, and my friends. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in these relationships. I’ve fucked up, plain and simple.
My parents, sisters, and the rest of my family, don’t know me. I pushed them away a very long time ago. With respect to my relationship with my parents, we’ve all made mistakes. My parents don’t deserve complete blame, but for that matter, neither do I. This isn’t the place to get into most of it. Talking about it here won’t change anything. The one thing that I’ve realized since I’ve been back in NY is that no matter what I choose to do from now on, I need to do it as me and not as the person my parents want or think I should be.
I gave up trying to be “Jess” a long time ago. I’m not sure I was ever really that person. It might have been, and still is, my legal name, but I was never that person. Some people didn’t understand why I would change my name. The only way I can explain that is that I was never that person and in order for me to move forward and to be happy, I needed to accept that I was never that person. Sure, it’s just a name, but it ties me to the person my parents want me to be, not the person that I am.
A lot of my problems and issues stem from things that have happened between my parents and myself. I’m not blaming them. What happened, happened. What I did to try to “protect” myself was just something that happened. I can’t go through life thinking that I can prevent pain or being hurt. It’s not possible, no matter how hard I try. Hiding behind a curtain, building up walls, these are all things I’ve done to prevent being hurt.
I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m changing rapidly, evolving, and I’m not sure if I’m changing for the better or worse right now, but I know that I’m changing. I’m not even the same person that I was two weeks ago. Most of that is because I’m sick. I can’t sit on my ass waiting for things to happen anymore. I need to go out and do things. I don’t have any time to waste. Every breath I take is a gift. I don’t want to die knowing that I could have changed, become a better person, and did nothing about it. I don’t want to leave and not try to fix things.
One of the things that needs to be changed is that I need to be more honest with my parents. The last time I had a serious conversation with my parents was when I told them that I was trans. That didn’t go very well. It was a defining moment in my life. Up until that point, I hadn’t had a close relationship with my parents. In fact, I barely talked to them. The only way that things with my parents can ever be fixed, is to begin a conversation; an open communication between them and myself.
More on this later because for some reason, I’m in a good mood, which came out of nowhere and I don’t want to ruin it.
Nobody knows me
As Lisa recently wrote, we talked last week about how there isn’t a single person who knows everything about us. It’s not so much that I’m afraid one person, or a few, will hurt me. I’m more afraid of the fact that eventually, I’ll be the one to fuck up. I’ll be the one to push away. Very rarely do I ever pull people in. I’m a pusher.
Thinking about everyone that’s ever known me, or knows me now, I realize that no one knows me. I don’t even think that I know myself. I sabotage every relationship I have…eventually. And the only person to blame for that is myself. Even if the other party involved made mistakes too, the blame is on me. Would they have made those mistakes if I had been open with them? If I hadn’t been scared, and I told them what I was feeling and thinking, would they have made those mistakes? Probably not.
Some people might see this as kind of hypocritical. There are certain things that I’m very open about, like the fact that I’m transgender. But other than that, I’m not open about anything else. Yes, I talk to Lisa about things, yes I talk to Mandy about things, and I talked to Ness about things. But I was only scratching the surface of my issues, problems, and even the joys.
I neatly filed away the rest of my feelings and thoughts in a part of me brain labeled “Confidential: Do Not Touch.” Some of the things in there have been buried for years and years. Things that I would rather forget. But it’s hard to forget something that you try so hard to avoid. It’s always going to be there somewhere, deeply packed in that part of my brain.
Embarrassing moments, moments of tremendous pain, moments of joy that turned into pain…it’s all there, all beckoning and waiting for me to open it up. Facing my past was always something I was never ready to do and something I feared doing. But in order for me to move on from it all, I need to face what happened. I need to deal with it, instead of pushing it all back in a filing cabinet.
I want to be able to give myself to someone. Completely. And I certainly can’t do it when I shut out huge parts of my life. I can’t change the past. I can’t fix the mistakes I’ve made. I can’t do anything but analyze, accept it all, and move on.
My heart was already broken
I called the doctor today, the one that saw me in the ER. They got the results back from my chest x-ray and told me that I needed to get a CT Scan on my chest. They told me that the X-ray showed that my heart was “extremely enlarged” and that there was an “abnormality” in my left shoulder area. The doctor also said I needed to get a cardiologist because there is a good chance that I might have heart disease.
I have to go back to Cleveland sometime this week for my CT scan. I spent the rest of the day scrambling around, calling everyone I could to find out if I could get health insurance. My dad called his doctor, whom I’ve known since I was a kid. He used to be my doctor and I went to school with his kids.
I’m hoping that there’s just some freak reason for my heart being enlarged. I’ve only known two people with heart disease, both of which died. It’s kind of hard to believe, but then again, it’s not. I’ve treated my body like shit, but I’m too young to have heart disease. Aren’t I?
I’m scared out of my mind. What the hell do I do? I’m trying really hard not to freak out. I mean, it might not be heart disease; the doctor only said it could be.
I know it’s treatable. There are medications. Just my luck I’ll be allergic to them. Pace makers, ICD’s, surgeries and if it’s really bad I could get a heart transplant.
I don’t really know what to do or where to go from here. I’m going to get the CT Scan in Cleveland and keep trying to get health insurance. If I have to, I’ll just go into huge amounts of debt to figure it out.
I always believed that I wouldn’t live that long. Even when I was a kid I believed that. It’s not that I wanted to die, because that’s the last thing I want to do, especially right now. I have so much left to do, so much to figure out still. And to be completely honest, I’m scared shitless of dying. I know that I can be a better person, I just need time to figure it all out. I don’t want to leave behind all the things I’ve done so far. I know I haven’t reached my full potential and I know that deep down somewhere there’s something amazing waiting to come out of me.
I’m not perfect. I’m far from that. I have made some ridiculously stupid mistakes, and I’ve made a couple of stupendously stupid mistakes. But I know that those mistakes don’t define me.
I’m setting myself up here. What if it’s not that bad? What if there really is a weird explanation for my enlarged heart? I wish I could say that I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst, but to be honest, at the moment, I’m just panicking. I’m spiraling.
A huge part of me just wants to run the hell away from everything. Go do something I’ve never done and forget all this and if I really am that sick, just let it happen and take it’s course. It’s a bit sad that I only start thinking about all the things I want to do when I’m faced with the possibility of death. And then when I’m better, all that hope and all those dreams just get put on the back burner. I’ve been given so many chances at life and I’ve just fucked them all up. What if this is the last chance that I get? What if I’m out of chances? What if…what if…what if…
So this insurance thing…I kept getting told that I would get an application in the mail and then I would find out. New York has this program called Family Health Plus. I’m hoping I can get that because it seems like my best shot at the moment. I can’t keep freaking out like this; about insurance and not being able to afford it. I just need to do it and get better.
I’ve lived a life full of fear, holding back on things I’ve wanted to do because I was afraid that I would fail at them. I’m tired of that. What kind of life is that?
Fear
I’ve been blessed to have a lot of great things in my life and a lot of great people. I’ve also had some not so great things in my life, but that doesn’t really matter right now.
When I was in the hospital they ran some tests to see what the hell was wrong with me. I wanted to get the hell out so I left sooner than I should, even though the doctor said it was ok. I shouldn’t have though, but I was scared out of my mind.
Apparently since then they were trying to get ahold of me. It doesn’t matter now.
I don’t really know what’s going to happen now. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t live in Cleveland anymore, so…I guess that means I’m screwed. In this part of New York, there really aren’t any options for people like me when it comes to helping out with medical bills. Either you have insurance or you don’t. Getting insurance is ridiculous, especially if you have pre-exisiting conditions like myself.
What scares me the most is the fact that I feel like I’m going crazy. Or I’m becoming stupid or dumb. For awhile now I have been having a problem processing certain things. More than a few times I’ve been driving and a street light will turn yellow. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what to do. I’ve been forgetting things like that. Or…I forget words. Last night I was trying to remember what a scale was. But I couldn’t remember. I’ve been reading slower because if I read fast I get confused by the simplest words. When I talk, I talk slower to make sure I know what I’m going to say. If I don’t, then I pause and have to stop and think of the word I’m trying to find.
This morning I woke up and my vision was blurry. I thought it was my glasses, so I cleaned them. But it wasn’t. I’ve been getting headaches everyday. Sometimes I start to twitch, especially my hands, and I can’t stop the twitching. Sometimes it comes out as a constant shake.
I’ve been distant the past couple of months. I’ve been aloof and nervous. I’ve been angry for no reason.
I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling.
For now, I’m just going to hope it doesn’t get worse.
I’m sorry I’m vague. I can’t process all these thoughts right now, whether it’s because there are too many or because I just can’t process it or make a connection. That’s been happening a lot lately.