Josh

Gaby called me tonight. I was happy to finally hear from her after trying to get in touch with her for two weeks. When I saw that it was her calling, I smiled, answered the phone, said hello. In that brief moment, I was so happy. I wanted to tell her my good news, I wanted her to be happy for me, I wanted to tell her that I would be coming to visit and that I was ready to buy the plane ticket. I had just gotten paid for a job I did, and I figured that buying the plane ticket would be a bit more important than getting my car back on the road.

Then she told me that she had met someone. I had been wondering the past few days if this was the reason she hadn’t called me back. Gaby isn’t the type of person to not call me back. She said she had been busy, so I just took it. I suspected though and I pushed it out of my mind because I didn’t want to think about it. I wasn’t ready to handle something like that. But she told me, and it hit me, and no matter whether I’m ready to deal with something like this, I have to now.

When we broke up, it was because I was an asshole. It was my fault. But, I’m not that person anymore. The past few months, something inside of me changed and the person I was a year ago no longer exists. I lacked ambition. I felt sorry for myself, so sorry that I literally gave up on everything, including my relationship with Gaby. The last two months of 2006, I struggled with the realization that I had been in a comatose state.

At the time, when all of this was happening, I didn’t think that I would come out of it. In my life, I’ve gone through periods like this, where I just lost the will to live completely, and I had tried to settle it by killing myself. It wasn’t like that this time. I didn’t want to kill myself, I just didn’t want to live. The person I had become sickened me. The only thing that I could do was just be, and so that’s what I did. Think of it as a perpetual sitting on your ass kind of thing.

I had no desire, whatsoever, to try and make things better. I didn’t know how to. Instead of telling all of this to Gaby, I let it stew, I held it back. I didn’t want her to think that this was her fault, because it wasn’t. Then I found out that I had cancer. I could do one of two things…1) Fight like hell and beat it or 2) ignore it. At first, I chose to ignore it. I figured that if this was how it was supposed to be, then so be it. I wasn’t going to fight it, I was just going to…die. I had lost the capacity to give a crap, one way or another.

Everything that started happening, I saw it from the sidelines. I didn’t live it. I saw that my relationship with Gaby was barely hanging on. I had let this go too far and I knew it was over. I didn’t tell Gaby that I had cancer. I didn’t want to admit it myself so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I’m not exactly sure what happened to change the way I saw my life, but I realized that I needed to get better, because there was something out there for me, waiting, and if I just stood by and did nothing, I’d never find out what was out there waiting.

And so I left San Diego, and Gaby, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. As I started to get better, so did my spirits. And then it came tumbling down again. I was in bad shape, horrible shape, and I never told anyone. I knew that I’d get through it, and that I’d come out a fighter. I was fighting to get my life back, I was just wounded in battle. So I sucked it up, I took the beating, I admitted defeat, and I started to gain my life back. There were still a lot of things lacking, my ambition for one. I couldn’t quite grab it back. I could feel it, rising up in me, but it wasn’t there yet.

I left Gaby, still in love with her, her still in love with me, knowing that I ruined things, but hoping that if I did everything I could now, maybe I could salvage what we had had and make it right again. The relationship we had in the past few months has been awkward, neither of us really understanding what was going on, but I knew that I still was in love with her, and that no matter how hard I tried to move on or to stop the growing feelings I had for her, I couldn’t. I had a glimmer of hope for us, especially in the past month, where it became a little less awkward, more hopeful.

I got my ambition back. I started working again, applying for jobs, doing freelance work. I could see my life taking form again and I knew that I was getting better. Whatever it was that I had been feeling last year, was completely gone. I was back, even better than before.

Then tonight happened. Hearing those words…I felt numb, I was in disbelief, I was hurt, I was sad, I was crushed. I tried to hold back the tears, so that I could talk, I tried changing the subject, I tried to talk about what she had told me, but I couldn’t. I just sat on my front porch, holding the phone, my hands in my face, tears welling in my eyes. When I felt like I would explode in tears, I forced myself to stop, breathing. I couldn’t talk about anything, there was no point in being on the phone, I just had to go. I couldn’t say goodbye though, I didn’t want to. I knew, I know, that if I let her go then, I’d be letting her go, period. I wouldn’t be able to turn back, make things better, change anymore than I already have. It was over.

She said goodbye, she told me she loved me. I stopped. She loved me? That made me angry. It made me fall apart. I sat on my porch, crying, listening to her breathe, she said goodbye one last time, I somehow eeked out a bye and we hung out. That was it. It was over.

I didn’t want my mom to see me cry, since I had to walk by her to go upstairs. I sucked it up, wiped my face, walked inside, somehow made it to my bedroom door without crying. I collapsed on my bed. I cried. More than I’ve cried for anything, ever.

But I’m here now, writing, getting all this out, because the alternative is what I used to do when I was upset, and I’m not that person anymore. I’m better than that now, I’m more mature. I can handle this, I can move on, and eventually it’ll be ok. The first step, however, is letting it out. Talking to someone. And since the person that I would turn to in this sort of situation is the reason why I’m feeling like this, the only thing I have is my blog.

I’m happy for Gaby. She deserves to move on, be happy, and she doesn’t need me to hold her back. I still have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of changing to do, and by the time I’m done with all of that, who knows what kind of person I’ll be. I know I won’t be the same person as I am now.

I don’t know how long it’ll take, or if it’ll ever happen, but I’ll move on. I hope. I’m still madly in love with her. I’m ok…I’ve been better, I’ve been worse, but I’m ok. I’m not happy about any of this, but it’s my own fault. I have to deal with it, learn from it, move on. Move on as best I can.

So with all of this, I’m not sure where I stand with everything else. Blogging, my “career”, my life…I don’t know where this leaves me. The truth is, the only thing that kept me going was the hope that I might get the chance to be with her again, but in order to do that, I needed to change, I needed to grow up, but now that I know that it won’t happen, I’m not sure what I want now. I’m not sure what I want for my life. I have a lot of thinking to do. I’m not sure if I’ll be taking a blogging break, we’ll see how I feel in the morning, but I’ll be around one way or another.

Categorized as Personal