I’m a pack rat
The weather has been horrendous lately. For awhile we had been having a decent streak of weather, but we’ve been attacked by snow again for the past week or two. In between working on my own projects, freelancing, and getting the hang of running a household, I’ve been going through some of my old things.
I’m a bit of a pack rat; saving everything from notebooks from high school to notes from old friends, even going so far as to saving old magazines that I read cover to cover when I first got them. Needless to say, I have loads o crap packed up in boxes, strewn about the attic, basement, and closets.
Most of this junk I should have thrown out ages ago. I found an old Highlights magazine from back in the day, neatly tucked inside one of the boxes. No idea why I saved that.
I have so much of this kind of junk that I’m literally running out of places to store it all. How much can one person collect in twenty-three years? Quite a lot, apparently.
As I was going through this junk, laughing at some of the memories being evoked from these relics of my past, crying at others, I realized that, once again, I’m stuck. I go through periods of great ambition and productivity and then I stop, content to stay where I am, out comfort and/or fear. This junk, that I hold onto, none of it really means anything to me, is just my way of holding onto my past. That’s not really a bad thing, in general, but I seem to be holding onto it so much that I’m not moving forward, or allowing myself to move forward, at all.
It’s no secret that I haven’t exactly had an easy life, and I am in no way saying that I’ve had a horrible life, it just hasn’t been easy. But then again, who’s life is easy? Getting back to the whole point though; why am I holding onto my past in a death grip?
As much as I have re-living most of my past, it still serves as some sort of comfort for me. The past has already happened and it can’t be changed, no matter how bad I wish I could change it. I am Captain Obvious by the way. But my future, as most are, is filled with uncertainty. I am content with where I’m at, out of fear of future and failure, not because I’m really happy.
I don’t feel like a complete person at the moment. I have everything I want but the body of the person I know I really am. Unfortunately, that’s the part that everyone sees and in a lot of cases, is the most important. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t shake all the fear, grief and doubt that this brings. The person I want to move forward as, isn’t who I really am right now.
I want to do so many things with my life, just not as this person, and all my ambition, at the moment, seems to rely on the person that I’m not.
In any case, I’ve realized that I don’t need my old chemistry notebook from high school and I don’t need those notes from old junior high friends. I’m having a bonfire as soon as this weather clears up. S’mores cure everything.
Categorized as Personal
I’m just as much a packrat as you–I’ve always been envious that my sister has been able to let go of the past as easily as she does (she actually throws stuff out every six months or so).
I’ve got stuffed animals packed away, photo albums I haven’t seen in years, school projects that I haven’t looked at since the third grade, and all of my term work for the last two years.
It’s hard to let go of this stuff, because it is such a comfort. You can look at it over and over, remembering minute detail that would be forgoten without the visual reminder.
As time goes on though, I’ve learned that if a box of memorabilia “mysteriously” goes missing, I don’t miss it so much. It’s as if I can only let go, if I’m not the one who has to make the decision.