Josh

I had planned to write a Best of post, but I’ve been thinking all day about it, and about 2006 in general, and realized that my year was pretty shitty. There were great moments, but my life this year doesn’t warrant a best of post. 2006 was the year that I realized that I was just letting things slide by, that I wasn’t really living, that I would just try as hard as I had to. I let myself down, and I let a lot of other people down, and I’m hurting.

In the beginning of the year I was with Gaby. Being with her was the happiest time of my life. There was such hope there, and we were both looking forward to so many things. I was thinking ahead, and to the future, our future, because I couldn’t see myself without her. She made me happy, and when I was with her, I saw something inside me start changing and I saw this side of me I didn’t know existed. I loved it. For the first time in a long time, I was happy and I was confident, not only in myself but in life.

As the year wore on, that confidence was chipped away slowly, piece by piece, and I ended up a broken person. Everything that I had gained, I lost, and then I lost more. We started fighting more and saying things we didn’t mean to each other. I felt worse and worse. Everything around me, including me, was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it. I retreated into myself and I closed everything down. I didn’t want to hurt and I didn’t want to get hurt again.

Then it was over. Gaby and I broke up and I moved back home. From October until now, I’ve been struggling to find myself. I’ve been trying to hold on to the little sanity that I have left and trying to put all the pieces of my life and my broken and bruised being back together. I miss Gaby with all that’s left of me. I miss the way she made me feel about myself. I miss holding her and I miss the feeling of what it’s like to be held by someone you love.

I wish that I could have held onto her. I wish that I could have done all this soul searching and the piecing back together with her in my arms. I’ve realized though, that while I miss her, I need to do this alone. I need to feel great about myself and I need to do this by myself, without her. It shouldn’t take another person to make me feel like a great person. I shouldn’t look to other people for strength, I should find it within me.

The mourning that I did in the last part of 2006 is coming to a close. It’s time to get back on the horse and make 2007 meaningful. It’s time to grow up and move on. In all of this sadness, I’ve found a piece of me that I didn’t know I had before. There will always be one piece of me left, after all else has been broken and lost, that will survive and I am strong enough to move on, all by myself.

Categorized as General