Coming Out Was A Bitch
I knew when I was 19 that I couldn’t keep on living the way I was living. It was hard trying to live up to other people’s expectations of what I should be like, who I should be, and who I should have relationships with. It took about a year or so, and a lesbian relationship gone south, for me to build up the courage enough to tell my parents that I am transgender. At the time I didn’t really know that what I was feeling had a name and so I basically blurted out I’m a man in a woman’s body. I was crying, like the ugly cry, and my parents looked at me for a second with blank stares until they understood. They didn’t take it so well. They were angry, very angry, and started yelling. I remember my dad saying that the internet was influencing me into thinking that I was like this. It really hurt. My mom didn’t take it well either and said that no matter what, I would never have a sex change. They also went on to say that if anything of the sort were to happen, I wasn’t allowed in their lives.
I look back on those moments now and I can see where they were coming from. It’s a scary thing to have one of your kids tell you something like that. But they never tried to understand it. They would rather have me be miserable by continuing to live as a woman then to have me be happy and comfortable with myself. I also see a lot of selfishness in their words and actions that day. They were more concerned about what other people would think than how I was feeling. I remember, although not the exact words, that one of my parents said that it would embarrass the family.
Gender is an uncomfortable topic and I think that only when you’re outside of it can you really grasp the fact that gender is really an allusion created by society in order to categorize themselves. Not many people think that there are more than just two genders, male and female. A lot of people don’t understand gender.
Because most of us have a gender, we consider ourselves experts on the subject and assume that our understanding and experience of gender is all there is. Transsexual individuals have been told that their experience is false, that they are impossible, that they are not real. Once I came to understand the reality of the transsexual phenomenon, I shared in the experience of being told that my experience was not real, that what I knew to be true was not true and that my experience of others was flawed.
Katherine Rachlin, Ph.D. From The Phallus Palace
Two weeks after I told my parents, I met Gaby. We met in a lesbian chat room and the weird thing is I didn’t tell her I was trans, she asked me. She has always been and continues to be very supportive of my transition and gender. It’s really hard to be in a relationship with someone going through what I am and I admire her for it. One of the hardest parts about being in a relationship with trans people is changing the pronouns. Most people don’t think when they see a woman and automatically it’s “she”. But Gaby had to stop and think and retrieve the correct pronoun before saying it. It would slip and that’s okay because even I slipped. (The boobs would through anyone off.) I want to also mention that Gaby’s family was really supportive as well.
After being with Gaby, talking about this has been easier because I know that there are people out there, going through the same things I am and feel the same way I do. I also know that there are people out there that are open-minded and will accept me for who I really am and not just for what I appear to be.
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Only myself to blame
[...] to be more honest with my parents. The last time I had a serious conversation with my parents was when I told them that I was trans. That didn’t go very well. It was a defining moment in my life. Up until that point, I [...]
Hi i am still trying to express the true me, for so long I’ve been locked up in this male persona it hurts deep but now I’ve decided to bring out the woman in me.Even more so than in the past i go where there are others like us who desire to be free where we can touch upon subjects that can strengthen and nurture our growth.thank you for this article. Sincerely, Dominique M. Cote
Dominique: Thank you for your words. It’s important for everyone to have support, especially when coming to terms with who we really are and during our transition.
I think all of us experience a [very scary and eye-opening] time in our lives when we realize that our parents (or insert whatever roll model you choose) aren’t perfect, and it usually has something to do with us.
I don’t support your parents’ attitude, of course, but I can sympathize with them. They are probably scared and unsure of what to expect. You are their little girl, and as parents say, “you always will be.” Except that maybe you won’t… and I bet that’s a terrifying thought to them. The only way we relate to our parents when we’re young is through the power-powerless relation, and all of a sudden, they are blindsided with a huge decision that they have no control over. Futhermore, adults are just kids in big bodies. They’re (should I say “we’re”
) just as subject to peer pressure as any teenager on the schoolbus, and your parents obviously care about the opinions of others. It doesn’t matter whether that is right or wrong because it just is.
I can’t give you specific advice because I have not ever been in your situation. What I can say is that I’ve made some difficult decisions where my parents told me that they’d never be able to speak to me again, either. I made the decisions for me because I decided that my own happiness had to be more important than theirs. (This is, after all, YOUR life. They have their own to live.) But parents are remarkably resilient… mine love me more than ever now. I think that once parents get over their lack of control and the scary situation stabilizes itself, they see how happy we are and they realize that our happiness is all they really wanted in the first place, world be damned.
But then again, that’s just my opinion. You know your parents. Much luck, Josh!
Hey Erin! Thanks for your opinion. I know my parents love me, even if they show it in a weird way sometimes. When I was a little kid, I was always “daddy’s girl”, and for them it would be like that little girl is dead, and from my point of view, never even existed. What I don’t think they realize, or if they ever will, is that I’m still the same person, no matter my physical gender. It’s going to be hard for them to come to terms with that, and I’m giving them time. But I’m reaching the point where the time I give them is holding me back from transitioning. Maybe they’ll come around, maybe they won’t, but they’ll have to live with it.
wonderful post … i take it from later posts that your folks are more understanding now? (i hope)
(and i’m ecstatic the archives are up now
)
My dad is coming around and as for my mom, she’s still pretty sensitive about the whole thing. But I’m just giving them time. When they want to talk about it, they’ll let me know.
I’m super excited to have my old content up as well. I missed it!