Josh

Before I get into this post, I want to say to everyone that reads my blog, that if you know my family or are a member of my family, I’m going to ask that you keep this to yourselves. I’ve talked to my parents about this before, and it didn’t go over to well. So while I may be ready to come out with this here, I’m not ready to talk with my parents about this again at the moment. But I do intend on talking with them about it. So, with that said, read on.
I’ve been thinking about writing this post for awhile now, but after I submitted my site to 9rules, and after a great chat with Bryan and Brian in the 9rules IRC room, I started thinking about why I hadn’t written this earlier. And to sum it up, it’s because it’s really hard to talk about something that I know could get me kicked out of my home and out of my family’s life.

I came to the conclusion that I can’t keep holding back from living my life as who I really am.

He and She are pronouns everyone uses everyday. Most people don’t even have to think about using them and most people don’t think anything of it when they hear them. For me, I wince everytime I hear it because for most people talking to me, they get it wrong.

I was born a beautiful (so I’m told) little girl. And that’s how I’ve lived. But I’ve always known that something was wrong with how I was living and for the longest time I couldn’t really pinpoint what was wrong. Most people characterized me as a tom boy. When I didn’t grow out of that “phase” some people questioned whether I was a lesbian or not. Well, I’m not a lesbian, and no matter how hard I try to live like one, whether it be for me or for my parents, that’s not who I am. (Now I’m just dragging it on because it really is hard for me to say this.)

I’m transgender. I’m an FTM (female to male). I was born a female but besides being a physical female, that’s where the buck stops. Mentally I’m a male. Deep down in my soul I’m a male. I’m trapped in a body that doesn’t match who I am. My physical gender defines me to millions of people in society. Everyday, I wake up knowing that what people see, is the wrong me.

I know people are going to ask, because this isn’t something that you hear on a daily basis but what exactly is transgender?

Transgender is just that, transGENDER. Gender is assigned sociocultural roles. Transsexuals are people who identify with a gender other than their biological sex, and physically alter their bodies to acquire the traits that they desire.

There is a lot more to what constitutes a “woman” than a vagina, two XX’s, and different hormones.

I’m not sure where that’s from, Brian posted that in IRC this morning. I’ve read it before and I’ll try to find it, because I don’t want to act like that is my own definition.

I’m just a normal person, although I know most people are going to read this and think…freak…and that’s okay. I’ve heard it before, I’ll hear it again. I’m a normal person, who just happens to be in the wrong body. Trying to explain how it feels is really tough, but I’m going to try to explain it, because I think it’s important.

When I was taking Prozac awhile ago it made me feel like I was trapped in my mind. I could make my body do things and I could control my actions, but my mind felt trapped in it’s own little room somewhere between sanity and insanity. That’s what I feel like; I feel trapped. Most people can understand the feeling of being trapped. But it goes deeper than just trapped.

I feel like I’m living in someone else’s body. I’m still waiting for my body to magically appear somewhere, like one day I’ll wake up and POOF, there it’ll be. It’s such a dark feeling, to feel like you’re living someone else’s life.

I don’t know if I explained it well enough. I tried. Right now I’m a bit emotional so things might not have come out the way I hoped they would. If anyone has any questions about anything, please comment or contact me through this site. I don’t want to make my blog trans specific because there’s so much more to me than that, but I’ll try my best to answer questions.

If it wasn’t for Gaby, I wouldn’t be able to write about this. She showed me a lot about who I am and that being me is something I should embrace and not run away from.

Categorized as General